Remember back when you were just a wee little lad; when you had no responsibilities and the three things on your todo list for the day were: find worms, eat worms, and play with Steve from across the street?...(read more)
Look at the picture above you. Look at that beautiful glistening bacon grease. Look at that chewy rubbery bacon fat. Look at that crispity crisp bacon edge. If this doesn’t make your mouth water, then you might as well become a...(read more)
Every passing day brings us closer and closer to the 2012 Apocalypse as predicted by the Mayan who carved ‘December 21st, 2012’ and then quit his job because he was sick of it and wanted to be a DJ....(read more)
I share a bathroom with roomates and have no room to keep my prescription shampoo and body wash in the tub.
I too had an argument with roomates about proper bath product tub space division. I lost and now live with my parents. Solve the little problems in life with this Mesh Pockets Shower Curtain. This along with the Moen curved shower rod, you could practically live in the bathroom!
I've finished my bottle of beer and there's 10 more minutes until the next commercial break.
Sure you could buy a mini-fridge and place it next to the couch, but that's crude and bad fing shu (it's the new fung shui). Man Tables, as they're called, disguise a refrigerating unit in a high quality crafted table. It comes in three different finishes and we think they're great for you fine ladies too.
from Man Tables
One side of my body gets more water pressure than the other side so only half of my body feels clean when I get out of the shower.
This tentacle-resembling shower head from Vado looks intimidating but enticing at the same time. What to do, what to do... with all SIX snaking shower heads? Perhaps one for each limb and the last one for the head. Or you can shower with five other people.
The shape of my fried egg was smaller than my sandwich. I had to endure few bites that was only bread like some carnival orphan.
Make every bite full of free-range organic farmers market eggy deliciousness with Joie's Sandwich Egg Shaper. It's made of heat resistant silicone so you can just pop it on the pan, crack an egg, and bam, perfectly shaped egg for your sammich.
I like listening to NWA's Straight Outta Compton while falling asleep. My wife doesn't.
Ever try falling asleep with Grado headphones on? I did and I woke up with cauliflower ears! SleepPhones solves the first world problem for those of us who enjoy listening to music while dozing off. The fleece headband contains thin removable speakers so you can jam out to the Biebs before knocking out.
A homeless man heard my pockets jingling after I told him I didn't have change. It was my keys.
We live in a modern world. There's no reason we should be keeping keys that access our expensive belongings on a flimsy metal rings that was probably invented 5,000 years ago. The Keyport consolidates up to 6 keys in a modern & sleek design. It even comes with a USB, LED, and bottle opener.
It takes me 10 minutes to walk from the Starbucks to my office, but only 6 minutes to finish my drink.
Motorized rollerskates? Who woulda thunk it. It seems we've leapfrogged the whole flying cars thing and at least one thing from those crazy 1920s predict the future articles has come true. They see you rollin', but you've zipped by too fast to hear them hatin'.
I watched some videos on my laptop and ...uh... accidentally made a mess on my keyboard.
Wherever you decide to make your mess, from doorknobs and walls to hotel remote controls, Cyber Clean's cleaning compound (say that 10 times fast) will clean that sucker up lickety split. The patented high-tech cleaning compound is effective at removing 99.99% of harmful particles. Which leaves the question WTF is in that 0.01%?
I washed my pants with my iPhone still in the pocket. Now I have to use an old phone like some unsophisticated barbarian.
Isn't it embarrassing to receive a call and have to pull out a Nokia 3310 while waiting on your new iPhone? Liquipel is a waterproof coating that protects your device in accidental exposures to water. It works well enough that phones work even after being completely submerged in water!
I drank too much juice before bed and had to wake up in the middle of the night to go potty.
Okay, before you think I'm totally insane, hear me out first. Do you enjoy getting up at 3:00 AM to pee? No? Wouldn't you rather just pee in the bed? Yes? Then I present to you the bedside urinal system. Logic and First World Living prevails once again.
Look at the picture above you. Look at that beautiful glistening bacon grease. Look at that chewy rubbery bacon fat. Look at that crispity crisp bacon edge. If this doesn’t make your mouth water, then you might as well become a vegan, you heathen. Why would you not want to surround yourself with the glorious smell of bacon wafting around you 24 hours of the day? Of course you do. Living a first world life means from the second you wake up to the the second you….
My iPhone is about 100x better than my nav system, but there's no room for both of them.
We've all tried those pesky FM transmitters or AUX cables and charging docks that leave your console a tangled mess. Get rid of it all with this device that's been a long time coming. Dash fits into the stereo console and provides charging, radio, smartphone capabilities, interchangeable faceplates, and much more.
I get the urge to climb up a slippery wall whenever I go swimming.
You already can play pool in a pool, so why not go rock climbing at the same time also? AquaClimb can be attached to any poolside and includes handles that can be rotated 90 degrees to increase difficulty. Perfect for young children, especially under the age of 5.
from Opulent Items
My manly Ron Swanson mustache gets whipped cream in it when I drink my latte.
This isn't one of those silly mugs with a mustache print on it. This mug is for real hard mofos with real mustaches. The mustache shaped guard protects your manstache from getting soiled by whatever you're drinking. For classy soup connoisseurs, check out this mustache protecting spoon.
I only eat the marshmallows so a box of Lucky Charms is only 1 serving.
We all know the tiny marshmallows are the best part of cereal. If only there was a cereal made of ONLY the marshmallows...There is! Cereal Marshmallows is simply just a bag filled with delicious cereal marshmallow goodness with a hint of diabetes sprinkled on top. First World Living at its finest.
My wife's blamed me for losing the keys to the Land Rover when she knows I took the Hummer to work this morning.
Never lose or mix up your keys again while taking out your aggression by figuratively shoving your keys up your significant other's...nevermind. This unique couple's key holder comes with a key for each gender that you keep in your key ring. The keys then fits into the male or female forms.
First world living makes life easy but sometimes boring. I wish I could live in a fantasy world.
After a discussion with your friends about which fictional world you would live in, you go home and cry yourself to sleep because you know it'll never happen. You can at least pretend to be a wizard with this remote control wand. Change the channel with a flick or turn down the volume with a twist. Yer a wizard 'Arry!
I used a new bottle of $600 bottle of cologne, but didn't get any compliments.
Sex Panther Cologne, son. We're lucky enough to live in an age where we can buy fake products in movies we've paid to watch! Consumerism at its finest! Apply it to any exposed skin and pour a generous amount down the front of pants. Then scream "60% of the time, it works every time," so we all know you've seen the movie.
Mob Wives has come on. I can't find the remote and I'm too lazy to get up to change the channel. I've sat through 6 episodes so far...
Most of the time we don't know where the remote is, but when was the last time you lost a big brown pillow? The obvious next step in this evolutionary process is to combine the two. This pillow remote control is the result of decades of pillow-remote mating and ain't it beautiful sight.
Should I ask my girlfriend to marry me? I can't make up my mind!
Ask the cat. What? Ask the cat in the box. That's right, Schrödinger's Cat Decision Maker will answer that question for you by either being dead or alive (we're assuming dead = no and alive = yes, but perhaps the opposite for your engagement question). Ask it a question and the cat will flash between dead and alive.
The cat's seen the dog's new biker outfit and now she's jealous!
Oh the things we do for out pets. Cat is asking you why dog gets a new outfit but she doesn't get anything. You try to explain to her that it's to support a cause, but she counters your argument with straight up cat facts. You cannot dispute the validity of cat law so you get her this cat mohawk and order is restored in the universe.
My little doggy is gay and I'd like to support him.
Proudly show your support for gay doggy rights and get him this cute biker costume. Then take him to the park and use his now doubly magical gay powers to pick up girls for your own benefit. There's nothing more first world than dressing up your pets! For another cool one, check out this Big Bad Wolf costume.
I like to do as many things possible laying down on my sofa or bed. I can watch TV and eat, but I have to get up to use the computer.
Spend more time in bed with this portable laptop bed tray. It's adjustable to a complete 360 degrees to fit to any body position you're in. We imagine iPads, tablets, food and drinks could also be placed on this so that's a big bonus!
The neighborhood homeless man tried to talk to me. Now I have to take a different route to work.
The world is a scary place and you've heard the saying that people are inherently evil. Protect the all your credit cards and cash from that homeless man that asked you for some change, for he might one day rob you. This biometric wallet is virtually indestructible and only opens to your fingerprint. For a less expensive one.
I can drink beer whilst taking a shower with the Tub Mug, but what about when I take a bath?
Is a relaxing chai scented bubbly bubble bath not exciting enough for you? Feel the need to be eating a grilled cheese sandwich and sip on some wine while laying in 100 gallons of warm soothing water? Then check out Umbra's Bathtub Caddy, a foldable unit with areas for a book/Kindle/iPad and drinks.
Every passing day brings us closer and closer to the 2012 Apocalypse as predicted by the Mayan who carved ‘December 21st, 2012’ and then quit his job because he was sick of it and wanted to be a DJ. I know what you’re all thinking; “How am I suppose to live my cushy first world life when the world is in chaos and the Starbucks across the street is on fire?” Don’t panic! We got you here at First World Living, though you may have….
My friend had a chocolate fountain for the Super Bowl party this year. I'm hosting it next year and there's no way I can beat a chocolate fountain.
Chocolate fountains are great and very few things can beat it at a party. One thing that can, though, is homemade beer. Impress the shit out of your friends and family with "Steve's Micro Brew" from the far-away lands of Steve's basement and featuring Steve's special sauce.
I forgot to pack my $500 Armani sweatpants and left them in the hotel room.
You've lost over $10,000 worth of items by forgetting them in hotels and you're starting to think maybe the affair isn't worth it anymore. We're here to stop you from thinking such silly thoughts. Never unpack again with this luggage. Hang it up and it unfolds with all your stuff neatly inside. Also makes for a fast getaway if need be.
It's only 9:00AM at work, the bacon toothpaste taste is gone, the microwave is broken, I'm out of bacon jerky and ate my backup bacon I keep in my pockets. How will I get through the day?
You could lick the bacon grease that's dripped down your leg from your back pocket like a crack fiend, or you can bust out your binoculars you've filled with bacon flavored vodka just for emergencies like this.
The apocalypse is coming this year. How am I suppose to live a first world life with the world blowing up?
While people are digging through the dirt looking for bugs to eat, you'll be living like a king in your underground bunker with Shelf Reliance's 1 year food supply (for 1 person). It has a shelf life of 25 years and provides a whopping 4,866 servings. Or trade a can of peas for an Apocalyptic manicure.
I've been to all the countries my friends are talking about, but can't say anything more or I'll seem elitist.
'I've been there before' is the traveler's version of the hipster's 'I've seen them live.' You're cultured but don't want to brag about it. Just have this map on prominent display and it does the talking for you. Or use it as motivation to travel and see how people really live outside your first world life.
I make such elaborate meals, I have nowhere to put all my cookie utensils when cooking. I have the Pot Clip, but that only holds one thing.
Put your utensils wherever you feel like with this Elevated Utensil Set. Don't worry about getting nasty hair and nail clippings stuck to your ladle if you lay it down on your countertop with this colorful set. And stop clipping your toenails in the kitchen, they're getting into the soup!
I've been peer-pressured into going camping but haven't watched any of my DVRed Man vs. Wild.
You've heard the saying: 'I feel naked without my phone.' Well you're gonna be feeling naked with doo-doo all over your butt when you're out in the dark, dangerous wild when your iPhone runs out of juice. BioLite's Campstove burns off twigs instead of fuel and converts heat in electric energy so you can charge your devices.
I'm addicted to one of those stupid Zynga games and can't stop thinking about it.
Why not play real life Zynga Fish HotelVille? Spend your hard earned money to add more fish hotel stories with this modular fish aquarium. Get enough levels and start renting out rooms to other fish. Whether you want to be a benevolent landlord or a slum lord that kills baby fish if they don't pay rent, that's up to you.
My 1,000 thread count Egyptian bald eagle feather down pillow is so soft my entire head sinks in and gets too hot.
Before you throw out the pillow that put America's national bird back on the endangered species list, try adding a Chillow to it. It fits any regular sized pillows and keeps your pillow cool throughout the night. You can even stick it in the fridge for added cooling intensity.
I'm being made fun of for using girls' body wash.
Ever have the nightmare where a burglar breaks in while you're in the shower, comes in the bathroom, rips open the curtain, and sees you standing there naked. But then he's one of those sexy burglars and you start making out with him? The soap gun is in case he's not sexy and need to scare him off. Also, I know what I'm sneaking up my ass if I ever go to prison.
When I charge too many gadgets at once, the wires get all tangled and look messy.
Brighten up your home or office with a little fake green grass. But hey, it also doubles as a charging station so it doesn't just take up space for nothing! Run your wires through the bottom and lay your iPhones on the soft surface for a neat and refreshing change.
So what if I like to keep all my mason jars? One day you're gonna be like, "Shit I need a mason jar, but I threw them all out. My friend Steve has tons, I'll call him." So stop calling me weird.
You've turned half your jars to portable travel mugs, now turn the other half into useful soap dispensers. Save money and put all those jars to good use. Or even use them as candles. Take that you jar haters!
My boss makes me write a reports. I can't believe I'm only getting paid 90k a year to do this crap.
Relax and take a deep breath. After work, we'll go to the doctor's and get a prescription for Xanax OK? Or we can try a more holistic approach and get one of these zen gardens for your desk. Staring at its lines and curves may lower stress and prevent a heart attack. Maybe we should have given one to Zombie Dick Cheney.
I have a romantic date tonight, but I don't have a fireplace to sip wine in front of like in the movies.
First world living means combining one of the most primitive technologies with the most modern. The Ponton Fireplace lets your bring one of nature's most powerful elements wherever you want. It burns completely safe bio-alcohol fuel that lasts 1.5-2.5 hours. For a more affordable but equally cool one, check out this one.
I forgot which level I parked on and spent 30 minutes walking around looking for my car.
Was it level 3? Or 4? I think it was the one with the pink signs. Never have to deal with forgotten parking spots or backtracking again with this super easy to use Bushnell GPS BackTrack Personal Locator. It only has 2 buttons, one for marking a location, and the other to select and display the direction and distance back.
I forgot to pay my satellite TV bill and now I'm stuck with only 30 channels.
Never forget another payment to the companies that own our lives while classing it up at the same time with this handmade Wine Cork Bulletin Board. Pin up important documents, letters, bills, lists, keys, etc, while showing family and friends you know a lot about wine (you don't).
My skinny jeans pockets are too tight to fit both my iPhone and wallet full of cash.
The obvious solution would be to take out all the cash and put your iPhone in your wallet where the cash was once, right? No? Or you can combine your iPhone and your wallet into one seamless object synonymous with first world life. That sounds better. BookBook's iPhone & Wallet Case combo does just that.
My forehead is sore from showing my friends how many cans I can crush with my head.
After showing off your machismo, show off your gadgetchismo by crushing the shit out of cans with the CAAAN RAAAAM. It acts as a nice reservoir for cans and a reminder of how much an alcoholic you are. Stores up to 10 cans before you need to activate the crushinator. Feels good man.
I took too long to finish my cereal and now it's all soggy.
This ingenious cereal bowl design separates the cereal from the milk, keeping your Fruit Loops crunchy forever. Just scoop a little cereal, then a little milk, sprinkle a little bacon and into your mouth it goes. The only thing bad about this is no after-cereal milk. The design is also great for things like salsa and chips, soup and crackers.
My hot dog is too hot so I have to wait. Now my bun is cold.
Anyone used to just eat the hot dog raw out of the pack? No? Maybe just me then. The hot dog juice was the best. Anyways, this cool retro hot dog and bun toaster will save you time and toast you the perfect hot dog. No more microwaving and getting those weird surface hot dog burns with hot as lava innards.
For the love of god why is there not bacon jerky?
The universe's greatest give to humankind is now in portable, forever lasting jerky form! Say goodbye to greezy pant pockets and stock your portable stash with bacon jerky instead. Praise the lord, all glory to allah, thank you Carl Sagan, Buddha, Flying Spaghetti Monster! I can die a happy man.
from Bacon Freak
I have a master key, password, record, why don't I have a master tool in the kitchen?
Behold, from the same country that brought you the master tool Swiss army knife and Swatch, is this master opener. Smite down any pesky objects impeding you from its inner deliciousness. This multi-tool can open: cans, flip tops, screw tops, pull tabs, and can break the vacuum seal of screw jar tops.
Movie tickets cost $15, popcorn costs $10, and I'm watching Twilight: New Dawn 3. How am I going to get through this without alcohol?
Binoculars are for the most part innocuous. Unless you're seen with them around a playground or your ex-girlfriend's house, people will just think you're an avid bird-watcher. Little do they know you have 16oz. of whiskey you need to get you through the day.
My laziness overpowers my craving for bacon.
We've all had those midnight bacon cravings but were too lazy to satiate it. Eating bacon raw just doesn't have the same gusto. Microwaving bacon at the office leaves them too oily for when you stuff them in your pocket for later. Do you also have all these problems? The lifesaving Microwave Bacon Cooker cooks 10 strips at a time and lets the fat drip down as it cooks.