Remember back when you were just a wee little lad; when you had no responsibilities and the three things on your todo list for the day were: find worms, eat worms, and play with Steve from across the street?...(read more)
Look at the picture above you. Look at that beautiful glistening bacon grease. Look at that chewy rubbery bacon fat. Look at that crispity crisp bacon edge. If this doesn’t make your mouth water, then you might as well become a...(read more)
Every passing day brings us closer and closer to the 2012 Apocalypse as predicted by the Mayan who carved ‘December 21st, 2012′ and then quit his job because he was sick of it and wanted to be a DJ....(read more)
I spent months and hundreds of dollars last year on my Halloween costume and didn't even place in the costume contest.
As with everything else, solve your miseries with money and use other people's ingenuity to for your own personal selfish gain! For this particular problem, just get this Rorschach Mask and wow away the competition. The inkblots actually animate and are affected by your breath.
My balls itch, but I'm in a 2 hour meeting.
Maybe this is one area where it's better to be in the 3rd world, where guys probably scratch their itchy balls whenever they freakin' like. Living in an uptight first world mean we must scratch our balls with this silver plated ballscratcher which I would have mistaken for a spoon if it didn't say "Ballscratcher" on the box. Scratch balls discretely, yours or another's, with this.
I wish I could go to work in my pajamas.
This has been the dream of men around the world. To get out of bed and go straight to work without changing pants, and to lounge around work in enviable comfortableness while making fun of Steve in his wool suit. The geniuses at Betabrand have started a new fashion revolution with these, and hell they look better than my real dress pants.
I used a new bottle of $600 bottle of cologne, but didn't get any compliments.
Sex Panther Cologne, son. We're lucky enough to live in an age where we can buy fake products in movies we've paid to watch! Consumerism at its finest! Apply it to any exposed skin and pour a generous amount down the front of pants. Then scream "60% of the time, it works every time," so we all know you've seen the movie.
Playing World of Warcraft for 20 hours straight kinda makes my back hurt.
What are these things called chairs and desks? Why are we still using them? A flat piece of wood you sit on, then another piece of wood you put stuff on...how primitive. It's time get with the times with... the *explosions* Emperor Workstation! Pretend you're in the matrix while playing Words with Friends on Facebook!
Remember back when you were just a wee little lad; when you had no responsibilities and the three things on your todo list for the day were: find worms, eat worms, and play with Steve from across the street? It’s depressing now to think about how you’ll never be as happy and carefree without using hard drugs as you were back when you were young. We now have Xboxes, PS3s, strip clubs, and Pinterest, but what about good ol’ fashion fun? The things we’d enjoy….
Should I ask my girlfriend to marry me? I can't make up my mind!
Ask the cat. What? Ask the cat in the box. That's right, Schrödinger's Cat Decision Maker will answer that question for you by either being dead or alive (we're assuming dead = no and alive = yes, but perhaps the opposite for your engagement question). Ask it a question and the cat will flash between dead and alive.
My buddies and I went hunting and they all killed something for mounting except me.
Bear and tiger head mounts are for wimps. If I'm going to have a trophy, it's going to be of a real mother effin dead person. Talk about of discussion starter! Buy it for only 100 grand and start thinking of a cool story of how you kidnapped and put him on a remote island and started hunting him like game.
from Plastination Prod.
I've been peer-pressured into going camping but haven't watched any of my DVRed Man vs. Wild.
You've heard the saying: 'I feel naked without my phone.' Well you're gonna be feeling naked with doo-doo all over your butt when you're out in the dark, dangerous wild when your iPhone runs out of juice. BioLite's Campstove burns off twigs instead of fuel and converts heat in electric energy so you can charge your devices.
Whilst intoxicated, I wandered into a dark corridor and was met with a man whose motives were questionable. Needless to say I feared for my life.
If I had a dollar for every time a would-be robber asked for my belt and I could have quickly pulled out a knife, I'd have zero dollars. But, this belt buckle knife still is an awesome idea to fend off potential attackers. Nothing is scarier than a man with a belt buckle knife and pants on the floor.
from Bowen Knife
I hate having to go buy my girlfriend...ah screw it, just read the solution...
For the ladies, and the fellas who are into weird shit, but mostly just for the ladies: The DivaCup, a menstrual alternative, ends hassles with unreliable disposable tampons and sanitary pads in endless absorbencies, shapes and styles. /copy&paste. From what I've heard, it's a real first world solution and worth looking into.
Look at the picture above you. Look at that beautiful glistening bacon grease. Look at that chewy rubbery bacon fat. Look at that crispity crisp bacon edge. If this doesn’t make your mouth water, then you might as well become a vegan, you heathen. Why would you not want to surround yourself with the glorious smell of bacon wafting around you 24 hours of the day? Of course you do. Living a first world life means from the second you wake up to the the second you….
Every passing day brings us closer and closer to the 2012 Apocalypse as predicted by the Mayan who carved ‘December 21st, 2012′ and then quit his job because he was sick of it and wanted to be a DJ. I know what you’re all thinking; “How am I suppose to live my cushy first world life when the world is in chaos and the Starbucks across the street is on fire?” Don’t panic! We got you here at First World Living, though you may have….
I didn't get any compliments on my new watch.
Everybody has Rolexes these days, but who has a watch from mother effin Tron? This watch, technically called the Kisai 7 LED Watch, has two pulsating LED rings; one for the hour and the other for minutes. It reads like a conventional watch so you don't look stupid when someone asks you for the time and comes in blue or white colored LEDs.
Messenger bags are in. So is being geeky. But, I don't want to seem like a poser by jumping on the bandwagon.
Show everyone you mean business by getting one of these cartoon-styled bags. Jeez they really look cartoony. Get compliments from all the cool hipsters riding by on their unicycles and maybe get into a conversation about Zelda...or whatever.
from Jump from Paper
I've been watching reruns of Pimp My Ride and now want something inside the same larger thing.
How about a tiny house inside your house? The guys at Tumbleweed Tiny House Company sell ready made, kits, or plans of houses small enough that you don't need a permit to build. Use it as your bedroom or mancave or secret hideout in the woods where you kidnap and murder people or whatever.
The apocalypse is coming this year. How am I suppose to live a first world life with the world blowing up?
While people are digging through the dirt looking for bugs to eat, you'll be living like a king in your underground bunker with Shelf Reliance's 1 year food supply (for 1 person). It has a shelf life of 25 years and provides a whopping 4,866 servings. Or trade a can of peas for an Apocalyptic manicure.
A homeless man heard my pockets jingling after I told him I didn't have change. It was my keys.
We live in a modern world. There's no reason we should be keeping keys that access our expensive belongings on a flimsy metal rings that was probably invented 5,000 years ago. The Keyport consolidates up to 6 keys in a modern & sleek design. It even comes with a USB, LED, and bottle opener.
I need to shower but I'm drinking beer. And I can't drink beer in the shower, so I'm not going to shower.
It's 2012, we should be allowed to drink and shower at the same time!!! VOTE RON PAUL!!! Oh wait, you can? The Tub Mug lets you drink your beverage of choice while washing your sweaty armpits. Then you can go brag to your friends about what you just did, you wild man.
from Tub Mug
I washed my pants with my iPhone still in the pocket. Now I have to use an old phone like some unsophisticated barbarian.
Isn't it embarrassing to receive a call and have to pull out a Nokia 3310 while waiting on your new iPhone? Liquipel is a waterproof coating that protects your device in accidental exposures to water. It works well enough that phones work even after being completely submerged in water!
That son of a bitch fly just landed on my freshly made tiramisu cake! Now I have to throw the whole thing away...
Look at that fly zipping around like he owns the place. Taunting you at every swipe you take and now you're out of breath because eating cake everyday is unhealthy for you. It's time to go terminator on Mr. Fly and bust a salt cap in his ass with your BUG-A-SALT!
My first world life is nice and comfortable, but sometimes I wish it were more exciting. Maybe I'll get a dog!
How many hours have you spent planning the perfect scenario in case of a zombie outbreak? You've read The Zombie Survival Guide and World War Z so it's time for the real thing. The 5k Zombie Run is probably the closest you're going to get. Get off your sofa run for your life!
from Run For Your Lives
It's only 9:00AM at work, the bacon toothpaste taste is gone, the microwave is broken, I'm out of bacon jerky and ate my backup bacon I keep in my pockets. How will I get through the day?
You could lick the bacon grease that's dripped down your leg from your back pocket like a crack fiend, or you can bust out your binoculars you've filled with bacon flavored vodka just for emergencies like this.
Co-worker Steve's done something stupid again, but I've already received a warning from HR for threatening physical harm against him.
If you need a more benign way of showing disapproval, disagreement, or dissatisfaction, then surely these glasses are for you. The next time Steve tells you keeping bacon in your pockets is disgusting, pop on these glasses and tell him he's going to regret say that.
The cat's seen the dog's new biker outfit and now she's jealous!
Oh the things we do for out pets. Cat is asking you why dog gets a new outfit but she doesn't get anything. You try to explain to her that it's to support a cause, but she counters your argument with straight up cat facts. You cannot dispute the validity of cat law so you get her this cat mohawk and order is restored in the universe.
I only eat the marshmallows so a box of Lucky Charms is only 1 serving.
We all know the tiny marshmallows are the best part of cereal. If only there was a cereal made of ONLY the marshmallows...There is! Cereal Marshmallows is simply just a bag filled with delicious cereal marshmallow goodness with a hint of diabetes sprinkled on top. First World Living at its finest.
I was eating chocolate cake while making spaghetti and totally forgot it was boiling and now have water all over the stove.
Next time stick this thing onto the top of your pot, turn the fire on high, go watch a movie and come back to a spill-free stove-top thanks to Kuhn Rikon's Large Spill Stop Lid. It comes in three different colors and we think it'll look pretty cool as a hat too.
from Sur la table
I already have the Lighted Slippers, but I'm scared of ghosts and need more light for when I go for a midnight snack.
You're in luck because Boon Glo's Nightlight doubles as a weapon as you chuck it at the ghost of Larry King staring at you in the mirror while you pee. It comes in multiple colors, have no electronic parts in them, and don't get warm. Check it out!
I have to wait months for the next season of A Game of Thrones and I'm too lazy to read the books.
Who needs books when you can play a board game instead? Create your own story as surely it'll be better than George R.R. Martin's. Forge alliances or plan backstabbing betrayals as you control a house of Westeros and try to take over as much land as possible.
My friends make fun of me for carrying pepper spray on my keychain.
Look out brass knuckles cause we got a new bad boy in town and he's packin' 950,000 volts. The Knuckle Blaster Stun wears like tradition brass knuckles, but packs a little surprise with each hit. Send attackers (or previously mentioned friends) into shock as you uppercut then in the balls and prance away like a little girl.
I'm surrounded by bullshit all day from co-worker Steve to all the crap on TV.
It would be a much better world if everyone carried around this Bullshit Button and pressed it if the scent of bullshit penetrated the air. Let others know how you really feel about their stories and gossip. Or maybe send a few thousand boxes of these to Fox News HQ.
The neighborhood homeless man tried to talk to me. Now I have to take a different route to work.
The world is a scary place and you've heard the saying that people are inherently evil. Protect the all your credit cards and cash from that homeless man that asked you for some change, for he might one day rob you. This biometric wallet is virtually indestructible and only opens to your fingerprint. For a less expensive one.
My pockets get greasy because I keep strips of bacon in them for when I get a craving.
We're not saying you shouldn't keep bacon in your pockets, but if you're craving bacon all day long, why not try bacon toothpaste? Yes it does exist, no you're not dreaming. Recommended use of Bacon Flavored Toothpaste is to rub it all over your teeth and gums. If you're feeling frisky, try Cupcake Favored Toothpaste.
Walking down Wall St. is getting a bit hairy. These OWS kids are starting to get a little rowdy and I fear for my safety.
If you really don't deserve to be shot in the face, then check this out. Miguel Caballero makes fashionable and discreet bulletproof clothing out of Columbia. Some clients include Kings, Presidents, and Steven Seagal so you know you'll be in good hands with this polo shirt.
from Fresh Polos
My laptop screen is too small to play Starcraft and watch Jersey Shore at the same time.
That sounds like a real situation you got right there. Fortunately, the creators of the Spacebook Dual 17inch LCD Laptop had you in mind when they were building it. Now, imagine showing up in a Starbucks with this badass and playing Microsoft Pinball while the hipsters rage on their 9in Macbook Pros.
My body deserves the organiest of the organic ingredients available. Who is this Morton and why should I trust him?
You grew this apple in your own backyard you say? Well this venison was salted with my own fury when I killed the deer with my bare hands. Then seasoned with my sadness as I realized what I've done. How you like them apples?
from Monster Supplies
The fluorescent lights didn't set the right mood when my sexy date came back to my place.
If the 15,999,999 color ambiance lamp didn't have enough colors for you, you're in luck because we just found one with 16,000,000 colors! A color for any occasion or a spontaneous dance party while you pretend you're a light DJ using its remote control. It can even cycle through colors for a cool light show.
One side of my body gets more water pressure than the other side so only half of my body feels clean when I get out of the shower.
This tentacle-resembling shower head from Vado looks intimidating but enticing at the same time. What to do, what to do... with all SIX snaking shower heads? Perhaps one for each limb and the last one for the head. Or you can shower with five other people.
The gravy touched the rice so I had to throw away my entire dinner.
It's heartbreaking to throw away Foie Gras, but you have no choice since your food has been defiled. This food separator is technically used for portion control, but we live in America hahaha. This handy item keeps food items separated so your gravy doesn't soak your biscuit or your salad doesn't get into your grilled bald eagle.
I want an aquarium, but I don't have enough room in the house for it.
Good news! Your coffee table is now an aquarium! "But, where's my coffee table gone?" you ask. Ah, that's the crazy part, my friend. The aquarium IS the coffee table! But how?! MAGIC!
from Appliances Con.
I was so focused on the video game I forgot to drink my beer. Now it's all warm.
Count this as your newest addition to your theoretical man-cave. This classic looking gaming cabinet hides an ace up it's coin slot by having built in beer tap. Never have to worry about dehydration from intense gaming session as the draft system is just an arms-reach away.
Movie tickets cost $15, popcorn costs $10, and I'm watching Twilight: New Dawn 3. How am I going to get through this without alcohol?
Binoculars are for the most part innocuous. Unless you're seen with them around a playground or your ex-girlfriend's house, people will just think you're an avid bird-watcher. Little do they know you have 16oz. of whiskey you need to get you through the day.
I messed up my shaving my goatee and now I have a Hitler mustache. Worse is I think it looks pretty good on me.
The Hitler mustache may have bee inadvertent, but it doesn't help that you're goose stepping all around town at the same time. Avoid acquiring a taste for distasteful things by using this goatee shaving device. Just stick it in your mouth and have the perfect goatee in seconds.
I think I have mild OCD and everything has to be in line or else I get a little murder-y.
OCD the new asperger's didn't you know? It's the new trendy disorder to have. Better jump on the bandwagon before all those hipster kids make it uncool again. You can start off with this OCD Cutting Board.draoB gnittuC DCO siht htiw ffo trats nac uoY 123 123 123 knock knock knock
I'm sick of bad tasting food. Why can't everything taste like bacon?
You really have to try this. These tablets are made from "miracle fruit," native to West Africa. When taken, they modify your taste buds so beer tastes like chocolate and sour things taste sweet. They're perfectly safe. Now, you can start having your own "Flavor Tripping" parties. It doesn't get any more "first world" than that.
My girlfriend got mad at me when I responded to her "I love you" text message with "yea lolz."
In a society where men must maintain their manly image by refraining from uttering such phrases as "I love you" or "that's cute," they only way to express their feelings is through this super cute Magic Message Egg. Water the egg and it will soon sprout a sweet message for your loved one. *Cuddles and giggles*
Co-worker Steve hasn't given me a reason to physically assault him today.
Need a disguise? Well these could work...not really. Or you can just give it to co-worker Steve who will put it on and give you a reason to uppercut his nuts for looking like a d-bag. And you won't be reprimanded as it was passed by congress and signed by Obama that whoever wears these deserve a swift kick to the balls.
I get the urge to climb up a slippery wall whenever I go swimming.
You already can play pool in a pool, so why not go rock climbing at the same time also? AquaClimb can be attached to any poolside and includes handles that can be rotated 90 degrees to increase difficulty. Perfect for young children, especially under the age of 5.
from Opulent Items
First world living makes life easy but sometimes boring. I wish I could live in a fantasy world.
After a discussion with your friends about which fictional world you would live in, you go home and cry yourself to sleep because you know it'll never happen. You can at least pretend to be a wizard with this remote control wand. Change the channel with a flick or turn down the volume with a twist. Yer a wizard 'Arry!
I ran out of blades so I had to use a rusty old one which gave me tetanus. I never got a tetanus vaccine because I don't have health insurance and can't get it treated because it'll cost too much. Now I'm going to die.
Sometimes it just doesn't feel like we live in a first world country! Fortunately, all that misfortune could have been avoided by joining the dollar shave club. Watch this video for details.
from Dollar Shave Club
My new winter coat only came with 2 pockets. What gives?
I'm sorry to break the news to you, but you've made a huge mistake. Better return that limp noddle of a jacket cause SeV Revolution Plus just kicked down your door and is strangling your mother. Key features include the iPadPocket, Handwarmer Pocket, controlling iPhones/iPad through the cloth, all within the NoBuldge design.
My iPhone is about 100x better than my nav system, but there's no room for both of them.
We've all tried those pesky FM transmitters or AUX cables and charging docks that leave your console a tangled mess. Get rid of it all with this device that's been a long time coming. Dash fits into the stereo console and provides charging, radio, smartphone capabilities, interchangeable faceplates, and much more.
I like to do as many things possible laying down on my sofa or bed. I can watch TV and eat, but I have to get up to use the computer.
Spend more time in bed with this portable laptop bed tray. It's adjustable to a complete 360 degrees to fit to any body position you're in. We imagine iPads, tablets, food and drinks could also be placed on this so that's a big bonus!
I like to stay up late and play Skyrim. But, the light from my 32inch monitor is too bright and hurts my eyes.
f.lux is a free program that automatically adjusts the color of your computer's display to match the time of day and the lighting in your room. Just set your time zone and lighting specifications and f.lux will automatically transition your monitor to a color much more easy on the eyes.
I want to show my friends a video of a fat squirrel stuck in a bird feeder, but my iPhone screen is too small for everyone to see.
Be the life of the party with this Pico Projector. It not only works with iPods/iPhones/etc, but also with digital cameras, portable DVD players, and more. Imagine showing up to a party and busting this out and showing everyone your favorite cat vid. The ladies will be on you in no time!
My boss makes me write a reports. I can't believe I'm only getting paid 90k a year to do this crap.
Relax and take a deep breath. After work, we'll go to the doctor's and get a prescription for Xanax OK? Or we can try a more holistic approach and get one of these zen gardens for your desk. Staring at its lines and curves may lower stress and prevent a heart attack. Maybe we should have given one to Zombie Dick Cheney.
I let my beer sit too long and it's lost all its foamy goodness.
Wish you could always have beer that tastes like it just came straight out the tap, but don't want to pay 10 bucks for a pint? Check out this sweet mug that creates the perfectly poured beer every single time. Pour about half a mugs worth and hit the switch to create the perfect amount of foam. It's from Japan so of course there's a sweet video.
from Japan Trend Shop
I'm going to be sluggish all day because I forgot to bring my mug to work. But I have all these canning jars laying around...
Watch out MacGyver, you're about to transform that canning jar into a portable mug! Cappow is a creative invention that lets you attach a lid to that jar you have for easy spill-free drinking. Now all you have to do is make up a reason as to why you're drinking out of a jar!
I have too many pairs of shoes but no more shelf space to store them.
Don't stop your financially crippling addiction of shoe shopping just because you have no more storage space. Don't be like that idiot Steve who wears the same pair of disgusting shoes every day. These foldable shoes lets you carry around different pairs easily so you can change styles throughout the day like the superstar you are.
I took too long to finish my cereal and now it's all soggy.
This ingenious cereal bowl design separates the cereal from the milk, keeping your Fruit Loops crunchy forever. Just scoop a little cereal, then a little milk, sprinkle a little bacon and into your mouth it goes. The only thing bad about this is no after-cereal milk. The design is also great for things like salsa and chips, soup and crackers.
I'm addicted to one of those stupid Zynga games and can't stop thinking about it.
Why not play real life Zynga Fish HotelVille? Spend your hard earned money to add more fish hotel stories with this modular fish aquarium. Get enough levels and start renting out rooms to other fish. Whether you want to be a benevolent landlord or a slum lord that kills baby fish if they don't pay rent, that's up to you.
It takes me 10 minutes to walk from the Starbucks to my office, but only 6 minutes to finish my drink.
Motorized rollerskates? Who woulda thunk it. It seems we've leapfrogged the whole flying cars thing and at least one thing from those crazy 1920s predict the future articles has come true. They see you rollin', but you've zipped by too fast to hear them hatin'.
I forgot to place my bookmark so now I have to start Atlas Shrugged from the beginning.
If someone said they'd reinvented the wheel, you'd call him crazy. If someone said they'd reinvented the bookmark, you'd burn them at the stake for witchcraft. Then you'd feel real guilty cause the Albatross Bookmark is worthy of the title. It follows your reading so you don't have to remember page numbers.
My boarding gate was too far and I almost missed my flight to the Bahamas.
People are already boarding and you're still buying your duty free cartons of cigarettes. But, you're not worried at all because you have the Samsonite Micro Luggage with attached scooter. You stuff your crap into the carry-on-able luggage and scoot on down to the gate, not forgetting to hit the "human conveyor belt" for super-speed.
Biotechnology isn't advanced enough for me to realistically hope for a zombie outbreak.
Let's face it, everyone deep down wishes there was a zombie outbreak. Maybe just a tiny one so you can get to smash zombie co-worker Steve and be office hero. If you fantasize about this at least once a day and live in the UK, check out the Zombie Manor House. Play out your objectives in a zombie infested mansion!
I was responding to a text and ran into a light post. Everyone laughed at me.
This is one of those simple but genius ideas that should come with every smartphone, but doesn't. Fortunately, there's an app for that called Type n Walk. Avoided running into acquaintances you don't want to talk to, stepping on dog doo doo, babies, puddles, and more with this handy app. And it's less than a dollar!
from iTunes App Store
My bed is so comfortable with all the crap this site has convinced me buy, it's now even harder to wake up in the morning.
Everyone has an alarm clock. How about one that makes you do math problems to shut it off? SCREW THAT. I'm not doing math. How about an alarm clock that knows your sleep patterns and wakes you in your lightest sleep phase? WHOA! This App for iOS devices does just that.
I drank too much juice before bed and had to wake up in the middle of the night to go potty.
Okay, before you think I'm totally insane, hear me out first. Do you enjoy getting up at 3:00 AM to pee? No? Wouldn't you rather just pee in the bed? Yes? Then I present to you the bedside urinal system. Logic and First World Living prevails once again.
My manly Ron Swanson mustache gets whipped cream in it when I drink my latte.
This isn't one of those silly mugs with a mustache print on it. This mug is for real hard mofos with real mustaches. The mustache shaped guard protects your manstache from getting soiled by whatever you're drinking. For classy soup connoisseurs, check out this mustache protecting spoon.
I can drink beer whilst taking a shower with the Tub Mug, but what about when I take a bath?
Is a relaxing chai scented bubbly bubble bath not exciting enough for you? Feel the need to be eating a grilled cheese sandwich and sip on some wine while laying in 100 gallons of warm soothing water? Then check out Umbra's Bathtub Caddy, a foldable unit with areas for a book/Kindle/iPad and drinks.
I like to ride my vespa around everywhere, but people make fun of me cause it looks dorky.
Walking sucks and vespas make you look like a mall cop. Trade it in for this sweet looking all electric scooter. It gets whopping 40 miles on one charge and charges through a regular outlet. Taking it out on the streets gets you up to 35MPH or just zip around in your palace like a boss.
from Boxx Corp
I've been to all the countries my friends are talking about, but can't say anything more or I'll seem elitist.
'I've been there before' is the traveler's version of the hipster's 'I've seen them live.' You're cultured but don't want to brag about it. Just have this map on prominent display and it does the talking for you. Or use it as motivation to travel and see how people really live outside your first world life.
My neck's sore from watching my 50 inch LCD in bed.
As if your 1000 thread Egyptian sheets on your king sized tempurpedic bed wasn't comfortable enough, this Massaging Bed Rest pretty much turns your bed into a comfortable lounge. Eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed while watching Toddlers and Tiaras and wondering what's wrong with the world. How ironic!
My hot dog is too hot so I have to wait. Now my bun is cold.
Anyone used to just eat the hot dog raw out of the pack? No? Maybe just me then. The hot dog juice was the best. Anyways, this cool retro hot dog and bun toaster will save you time and toast you the perfect hot dog. No more microwaving and getting those weird surface hot dog burns with hot as lava innards.
The ice melts too fast when I drink whiskey on the rocks, leaving me with watery whiskey.
You're already better than your friends because you drink whiskey and they drink Mike's Hard Lemonade. Now drink whiskey like a boss in front of them with this special glass. It's shaped to let the ball of ice (mold included) roll around the glass, chilling your drink faster with slower melting ice.
from Home Wet Bar
I've finished my bottle of beer and there's 10 more minutes until the next commercial break.
Sure you could buy a mini-fridge and place it next to the couch, but that's crude and bad fing shu (it's the new fung shui). Man Tables, as they're called, disguise a refrigerating unit in a high quality crafted table. It comes in three different finishes and we think they're great for you fine ladies too.
from Man Tables
My friends think I'm uncultured because I don't have artwork hanging in my house.
Slap your friends in the face by getting one of these super cool personalized waveform art pieces. Send them a sound file and they'll take the waveform to create a unique design printed on a high quality canvas. Now your friends will be in awe of the giant "PENIS" on the wall.
Sometimes I want to escape my first world life and pretend I can survive in the wilderness if the economy collapses. But really, I wouldn't last a day.
This might save your life when you're out there pretending to be one with nature. This little tool is about the size of a credit card and easily fits in your wallet. It has 11 useful functions like the saw blade for when you're being attacked by a bear.
My skinny jeans pockets are too tight to fit both my iPhone and wallet full of cash.
The obvious solution would be to take out all the cash and put your iPhone in your wallet where the cash was once, right? No? Or you can combine your iPhone and your wallet into one seamless object synonymous with first world life. That sounds better. BookBook's iPhone & Wallet Case combo does just that.
The gap between my seat and console is like a black hole. I keep losing my change and can't fit my hand through to retrieve it.
The Drop Stop is an incredibly simple invention to stop just that; things falling through that gap between the seat and console. It fits snuggly into the gap with a space for the seatbelt buckle and allows seat adjustments without disturbance. (Warning: Link has Autoplay YouTube video)
from Buy Drop Stop
I went to the club and didn't get someone to come home with me. I'm so lonely, no one likes me and I just want to cuddle.
Well now here's a huge pillow shaped like a freakin' U for you to cuddle and hug and kiss...wait what? Potentially the best thing since the flesh*****(your secret is safe) for forever aloners and I guess it's pretty good for pregnant ladies too.
I like listening to NWA's Straight Outta Compton while falling asleep. My wife doesn't.
Ever try falling asleep with Grado headphones on? I did and I woke up with cauliflower ears! SleepPhones solves the first world problem for those of us who enjoy listening to music while dozing off. The fleece headband contains thin removable speakers so you can jam out to the Biebs before knocking out.
My life is so exciting I wish someone like Morgan Freeman could narrate it.
We can't get Morgan Freeman, but we'll do you one better: Stephen Fry. And he'll just be waking you up but it's better than nothing! Instead of waking up to screeching and buzzing, wake up gently to Fry's soothing English voice. It comes with 130 different sayings AND one to put you to sleep.
Sometimes I daydream about being James Bond and having all his cool gadgets.
Step 1 to becoming a super spy: get WiFi hotspot capable cufflinks with 2GB USB storage so you can check Facebook wherever you are. Step 2: there is no step two because you're now a man with WiFi with storage cufflinks. Now get ready to go kick some ass and get some international model babes.
I made too much spaghetti and now have to look at the wet, flippy floppy, limp, left-over spaghetti I can't eat. Gross!
Never make the wrong amount of spaghetti or noodly doodly base dish with this cool spaghetti measuring tool. It has slots for different portions (adult male, female, child, and HORSE!) so you'll know how much spaghetti a real person can eat. I personally enjoy just the horse's head portion.
from reykjavik store
You know, sometimes I just want to play pool in a pool, but even I know that is stupid.
Yo, we got you here at First World Living. We heard you liked playing pool in a pool so we put a pool table in a pool so you can play pool in the pool son! It's waterproof obviously and pretty silly.
I got too drunk because I didn't have a wine glass and used a pitcher instead.
This fun glass is printed with measurements for various alcoholic drinks. Want beer? Just fill it up to one of the marks for "beer" and remind yourself not to get so drunk you make out with your pet hamster.
I'm so ridiculously fabulous that my poor friends and family want to be around me all the time.
Not everyone can be as awesome as you. Less fortunate friends obviously want to be close to you to feel better about themselves and have a sense of belonging. Tell your clingy friends, "Hey I know I'm pretty amazing, but I can't have you over all the time..." with this "oh Shit Not You Again" doormat.
My friend had a chocolate fountain for the Super Bowl party this year. I'm hosting it next year and there's no way I can beat a chocolate fountain.
Chocolate fountains are great and very few things can beat it at a party. One thing that can, though, is homemade beer. Impress the shit out of your friends and family with "Steve's Micro Brew" from the far-away lands of Steve's basement and featuring Steve's special sauce.
The water's so cold in the winter, I don't know when it's warm enough for my fragile hands to touch. And the opposite during the Summer!
Move to Hawaii or check out this Waterfall LED faucet. It changes colors depending on the temperature so you'll know when it's warm/cold enough to put your poor hands under it. Alternatively, check out Color Changing Showerheads.
The power went out and all my gadgets are out of battery. Now I'm going to have to talk to a real human being.
Wait! Not yet! With this portable solar charger, you'll never need to have human interaction as long as the sun rises. Charge any USB powered devices with sunlight and it also includes a nifty LED light. The only thing is you may have to step outside the house...
The shape of my fried egg was smaller than my sandwich. I had to endure few bites that was only bread like some carnival orphan.
Make every bite full of free-range organic farmers market eggy deliciousness with Joie's Sandwich Egg Shaper. It's made of heat resistant silicone so you can just pop it on the pan, crack an egg, and bam, perfectly shaped egg for your sammich.
I have ADD and can't stick with a book to read.
This bookcase chair or chair bookcase will satisfy you ADD tendencies and indecisiveness by having all your books always within arm's reach. The actual chair's angle is adjustable for different tasks and has three areas for book storage. Be the commander of your book club with this awesome chair.
from Yanko Design
I have no more room in my fridge for bottles and/or they keep rolling around. How am I suppose to be as cool as Mr. Chi City with this travesty?
The Fridge Monkey is a very simple solution to a great problem. The picture is self explanatory as to how it works. Things we think can be stacked on the monkey: breadsticks, churros, freeze-pops, those old school plastic kool-aid bottles.
I forgot to bring my bottled water to the gym and have to drink out of the fountain like a barbarian.
Our first world bodies are delicate. Tap water with dirty little germs and microbes can make us sick (totally untrue). Save money and ditch bottled water and go with the Bobble Water Bottle. Fill it with tap water and the filter eliminates toxins and harmful chemicals as you drink. The filter lasts about 2 months and is replaceable.
I've got an ungodly craving for some Tagalongs, but the Girl Scouts aren't allowed to sell to my house anymore.
How were you suppose to know it was the Girl Scouts when you answered the door naked? They can't come to you, but now you can go to them with this this Girl Scout Cookie Finder app. An app that finds cookies for you... Tell me this isn't First World Living at its finest.
So apparently green rug and brown walls with movie posters taped up with scotch tape makes people puke as they enter my home.
You've made a huge mistake so next time just go with a prefabricated and furnished home by Ideabox and IKEA. Doesn't everyone think everything in IKEA would look good in their own home anyways? Might as well just have them furnish it.
I spent the whole day stressing about if I've left a candle burning at home.
Instead of calling your neighbor Steve, who secretly goes through your underwear, to go check for you, just get this water candle kit. Fill any vase with water and decorate it however you like. Add a layer of cooking oil, float the wick on top and voila, you have a nice candle that will be put out if tipped over.
When I charge too many gadgets at once, the wires get all tangled and look messy.
Brighten up your home or office with a little fake green grass. But hey, it also doubles as a charging station so it doesn't just take up space for nothing! Run your wires through the bottom and lay your iPhones on the soft surface for a neat and refreshing change.
I don't drink tea because it takes too much time to prepare. People think I'm unsophisticated.
The Tipping Tea Cup is a seriously cool item. You stick your loose tea leaves (tea bags also work) into the small compartment, then pour water through it and tip the cup onto its other side and the tea will seep through the filter. Pip pip cheerio, time to enjoy some delicious tea.
The Camping Card was a huge hit with my friends when we camped in my backyard. Now I need a more heavy duty set for public park camping.
Show you friends you mean business with this Everyday Carry Multi-Tool Kit. These small multiuse tools attaches to your keychain so they are always with you. Each tool is super durable and it comes with a pry bar, screwdriver key, waterproof lighter, and tweezers.
from Kaufmann Merc.
I'm being made fun of for using girls' body wash.
Ever have the nightmare where a burglar breaks in while you're in the shower, comes in the bathroom, rips open the curtain, and sees you standing there naked. But then he's one of those sexy burglars and you start making out with him? The soap gun is in case he's not sexy and need to scare him off. Also, I know what I'm sneaking up my ass if I ever go to prison.
My forehead is sore from showing my friends how many cans I can crush with my head.
After showing off your machismo, show off your gadgetchismo by crushing the shit out of cans with the CAAAN RAAAAM. It acts as a nice reservoir for cans and a reminder of how much an alcoholic you are. Stores up to 10 cans before you need to activate the crushinator. Feels good man.
I'm laying down on the couch and can't reach the shrimp cocktail so I have to sit up.
With the Sofa Hanger and this Magnussen Wood Lift Top Table, you'll probably never have to move from the couch again. The top lifts up and comes to you instead of you having to bend across to reach something. Almost like having a robot servant table!
My fingers get stiff and ache after 8 hours of pwning 8 year olds in BF3.
Strap on this baby between intense gaming sessions to give your hands and fingers a much needed stretch. The Xtensor also makes your reaction time faster while relieving cramps. And its an effective treatment for tennis elbow and arthritis!
My wife's blamed me for losing the keys to the Land Rover when she knows I took the Hummer to work this morning.
Never lose or mix up your keys again while taking out your aggression by figuratively shoving your keys up your significant other's...nevermind. This unique couple's key holder comes with a key for each gender that you keep in your key ring. The keys then fits into the male or female forms.
I loved Dr. Seuss as a kid and want to let everyone know I'm awesome.
The first thing I thought of when someone said "Dr. Seuss art" is taxidermy. Consequently, part art and part taxidermy equals 100% awesome, and that's what you would be if you owned one of these. It costs an arm and a leg, but boy would you have a nice discussion piece if you had this hanging up over your mantle.
from Art of Dr. Seuss
It's like a war-zone when I have to take a dump on protein shake day. I wipe and wipe but it just doesn't stop.
It's the 21st century. There's no reason our hands have to be that close to that amount of ****. Astor's non-electric water spraying attachable bidet is a must have. A refreshing spray leaves you using less toilet paper and a kissable...never mind. Or for Japanese authenticity.
The TV remote still uses batteries so I have to go buy some like some technophobe from the 90s.
Why do disposable batteries still exist? It's bad for the environment and super expensive. But, if you're left with no choice, check out these USB rechargeable batteries. Super convenient and easy to use, just pop off the top and it becomes a USB device you can plug into your computer to recharge.
There's no more clean cups so I have to drink water with my hands like some Victorian beggar.
Get rid of that nasty cup you use to rinse out your mouth after brushing. It sits in the bathroom all day collecting microscopic doo doo particles. But, have a little more respect for yourself and don't take water from your hand like some uneducated monster. Tapi fits onto any tap. Squeeze the bottom and it becomes a fountain.
The ice cubes in my whiskey melted too quickly and now I have to drink watered down whiskey...bleh!
If you enjoy a little somethin' somethin' after a long day, check this out. They chill your favorite drink and bring out its flavor without watering it down. Pop in a few and after 5 minutes, enjoy your perfectly chilled whiskey. And after a few glasses, deal with family problems!
My maid refuses the pick up the peanut shells I throw on the floor because the trash can is too far away.
Instead of getting a new maid, try using this double dish by kitchen innovator, Joseph Joseph. The top dish is removable and when sitting on top of the bottom dish, provides three openings that hides shells or pits. Or you can use both as separate bowls and just eat more peanuts.
I knocked my drink over my keyboard...AGAIN! FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!
Who seriously has never knocked over a drink and ruined important documents and expensive keyboards? It's happened to my countless times and now the syrup from that coke makes my 'S' key ssssssssstick. Keep the cup off the desk and safe from spills while creating more desk space with this handy Table Cup Holder Clip.
I uh spilled coffee on my pants and have to walk around all day with a stain.
Let's not lie. You crapped your pants and half the day has gone by with people giving you dirty looks. Your underwear has crusted over and the grease from the bacon in your pockets has been dripping down your leg and into your shoe the entire day. It's time to clean up for god's sake. Good thing you have Emergency Underpants.
I fell asleep in Chem class. Now my neck hurts.
Show your professor his class is boring by strapping on the Arm Pillo. Stick it to the airline and show them that they can't keep you awake with their tortuous seats by strapping on the Arm Pillo and punching the CEO in the face. Let your friend know her car conversations are boring by strapping on the Arm Pillo to the seat belt and falling asleep. Am I missing anything?
So what if I like to keep all my mason jars? One day you're gonna be like, "Shit I need a mason jar, but I threw them all out. My friend Steve has tons, I'll call him." So stop calling me weird.
You've turned half your jars to portable travel mugs, now turn the other half into useful soap dispensers. Save money and put all those jars to good use. Or even use them as candles. Take that you jar haters!
I gag whenever I eat a sandwich. The crust is literally the most disgusting thing in the world.
I feel your pain and so do many other people. Praise the lord for Wonder's Sandwich Sealer and Decruster for it banishes the evil crust from this world and protects the sandwich in an impenetrable seal. Begone crusts! You aren't allowed here!
My laziness overpowers my craving for bacon.
We've all had those midnight bacon cravings but were too lazy to satiate it. Eating bacon raw just doesn't have the same gusto. Microwaving bacon at the office leaves them too oily for when you stuff them in your pocket for later. Do you also have all these problems? The lifesaving Microwave Bacon Cooker cooks 10 strips at a time and lets the fat drip down as it cooks.
The last few gulps of my coffee are always stronger and sweeter than the rest of the coffee.
We've gone and come back from the moon, built the Large Hadron Collider, gave Glenn Beck his own show, we shouldn't have to stir our own drinks like some sort of criminal. This self-stirring mug makes sure your beverage is always mixed thoroughly with a touch of a button. It comes with a 4000RMP motor and splash-proof lid!
While I can use the Heated Mattress Pad during the Winter, sleeping ends up uncomfortably hot and sticky during Summer.
This super quiet fan blows cool air between the top and bottom sheets, instantly cooling your whiny face down...and your body too. It comes with a small remote that adjusts the fan's speed.
I forgot to bring my adapter so I can't charge my iPad.
Forget about any Apple adapter and forget about adapters that charge through USB. Just have a bunch of these Belkin 6 Outlet Surge Protector with USBs around the home and office and never have to look for those silly adapters again. It comes with 6 outlets and 2 convenient USB ports at the top.
My nutritionist tells me that a bloody mary is not a suitable replacement meal for dinner.
So that bakon vodka you're using for your bloody mary doesn't really have any protein and the tomato juice doesn't really count as a serving of fruit. To really make it a meal, you'll need these meat straws; as the popular life motto goes: "Get drunk, then eat the straw." Personally, I also enjoy milk and soda with these. Price is for 30.
My 1,000 thread count Egyptian bald eagle feather down pillow is so soft my entire head sinks in and gets too hot.
Before you throw out the pillow that put America's national bird back on the endangered species list, try adding a Chillow to it. It fits any regular sized pillows and keeps your pillow cool throughout the night. You can even stick it in the fridge for added cooling intensity.
My mom blames the electricity bill increase on my second iPad and PS Vita.
Did you know that leaving electronic devices plugged in, but not in use, still draws power? Belkin's Conserve Socket solves this problem by allowing you to set a timer that automatically shuts off the power to save energy. It's also great for things like curling irons and heaters so you'll never have to worry about leaving them on.
Turning on the light when I go to the bathroom in the middle of the night hurts my eyes. It's so annoying.
Looks like its a big enough problem to warrant a solution. BrightFeet lighted slippers are slippers that have a LED light built into the front of them. It's weight and light sensored so it only lights up when you need them to. Only light up what you need to see and save your eyes some trouble!
The neighbor's wife is hot, but I don't want to look like a perv and get caught staring at her sunbathing in her backyard.
Man's best friend is here to save the day again! While the cute little Dog Peek is designed to let your dog check out what's going on on the other side of the fence, we can think of a few other uses...just kidding. *First world living does not condone immoral uses of this product*
They say fresh juice is healthier than store-bought, but I'm too lazy to do it.
Straight from the land of innovation, Gurefuru Chuchu acts as a super simple to use juicer while being super cute at the same time. Just cut a hole, stick Gurefuru Chuchu in, turn the handle around a bit, and bam - fresh juice. If you're still not convinced you need this, then I dare you to not watch this video.
I forgot to pay my satellite TV bill and now I'm stuck with only 30 channels.
Never forget another payment to the companies that own our lives while classing it up at the same time with this handmade Wine Cork Bulletin Board. Pin up important documents, letters, bills, lists, keys, etc, while showing family and friends you know a lot about wine (you don't).
I forgot to pack my $500 Armani sweatpants and left them in the hotel room.
You've lost over $10,000 worth of items by forgetting them in hotels and you're starting to think maybe the affair isn't worth it anymore. We're here to stop you from thinking such silly thoughts. Never unpack again with this luggage. Hang it up and it unfolds with all your stuff neatly inside. Also makes for a fast getaway if need be.
I watched some videos on my laptop and ...uh... accidentally made a mess on my keyboard.
Wherever you decide to make your mess, from doorknobs and walls to hotel remote controls, Cyber Clean's cleaning compound (say that 10 times fast) will clean that sucker up lickety split. The patented high-tech cleaning compound is effective at removing 99.99% of harmful particles. Which leaves the question WTF is in that 0.01%?
Mob Wives has come on. I can't find the remote and I'm too lazy to get up to change the channel. I've sat through 6 episodes so far...
Most of the time we don't know where the remote is, but when was the last time you lost a big brown pillow? The obvious next step in this evolutionary process is to combine the two. This pillow remote control is the result of decades of pillow-remote mating and ain't it beautiful sight.
It takes me an extra 10 minutes to fall asleep at night because I'm worrying if my dad has passed down his erectile dysfunction to me.
23andMe won't exactly answer that for you but they might give you a better idea. What they do is genetic testing for health and diseases. You send them a sample of your DNA using their kit and in 6-8 weeks, receive personal genetic information about your DNA. Pretty cool!
My anxiety medication doesn't work for my dog.
Does your dog poo on the floor and then eat it whenever something scares him/her? No? Then how about shake and shiver uncontrollably and then hide in the bushes? Yeah? Then you need the Thundershirt Dog Anxiety Treatment Wrap. Anxiety sucks, for humans and dogs. This shirt helps relieve fear, anxiety, and stress with a high success rate.
Shouting obscenities at co-worker Steve for fun turned out to be inappropriate at work.
Unfortunately, they've caught onto your 'I have Tourrettes' excuse you'd always use for your pent up aggression. You now carry this shouting vase everywhere and shout your string of obscenities into it instead. The shouting vase absorbs your screams and emits a softer verion through the whole at the base.
For the love of god why is there not bacon jerky?
The universe's greatest give to humankind is now in portable, forever lasting jerky form! Say goodbye to greezy pant pockets and stock your portable stash with bacon jerky instead. Praise the lord, all glory to allah, thank you Carl Sagan, Buddha, Flying Spaghetti Monster! I can die a happy man.
from Bacon Freak
I cringe whenever the nasty, wet, and cold shower curtain touches me and sticks to my skin. Gag!
This no-cutting-required curved shower rod by Moen gives you a roomier shower space and more importantly, keeps the curtain away from your body. It fits showers between 54-72 inches wide and has a load capacity of 120 pounds.
I have a romantic date tonight, but I don't have a fireplace to sip wine in front of like in the movies.
First world living means combining one of the most primitive technologies with the most modern. The Ponton Fireplace lets your bring one of nature's most powerful elements wherever you want. It burns completely safe bio-alcohol fuel that lasts 1.5-2.5 hours. For a more affordable but equally cool one, check out this one.
I finished a box of donuts and want more, but I'm too embarrassed to show my face at Krispy Kreme twice in the same day.
Shame and embarrassment keeps us from doing some things we want to do. Sometimes it's for the better, but in this case it means no second box of donuts for you. Sad Face :(. Fortunately, money solves everything and you can just make donuts at home with the Sunbeam Donut Maker!
I'm craving some bacon but I'm too lazy to get off my ass to make some.
Whoa whoa whoa, stop right there. Don't waste energy. Have this bacon frosting! Just tilt your head back and squeeze it all into your mouth, big boy. Delicious isn't it? Use it as body soap and lotion as well and smell of bacon all day. Getting hungry? Give your skin a lick to tide you over 'till you can get back to your BACON FROSTING.
I watch Parks and Rec and wish I was a manly man like Ron Swanson. Maybe if I could make homemade jerky...
Oh this jerky? No, I didn't buy it. I made it myself. With a gun. Yeah that's right. I make my own jerky with a gun. The Weston Jerky Gun makes making jerky easy so you can impress your friends. Just watch this video and start making your own jerky. JERKY!
I share a bathroom with roomates and have no room to keep my prescription shampoo and body wash in the tub.
I too had an argument with roomates about proper bath product tub space division. I lost and now live with my parents. Solve the little problems in life with this Mesh Pockets Shower Curtain. This along with the Moen curved shower rod, you could practically live in the bathroom!
I've been working out and want to tell all my friends, but I don't want to brag.
Let Fitbit do all the bragging for you. "Yeah I ran 5 miles today. This thing I have tracks and uploads all my activity online so people can see. It's so embarrassing! I don't want everyone to know!" Fitbit Wireless Activity & Sleep Tracker will track steps, distance, and stairs with its 3d accelerometer. It also tracks how well you sleep!
Sometimes, my head hurts from thinking about money all day. Maybe it'd hurt less if while thinking about money, I got a head massage.
This crazy contraption lets you massage your own head and boy does it feel good. It has 92 flexible bristles that massage your scalp as you use the handles on the sides to run it back and forth. Feels good man. For a more tame version, check out this simple one.
My little doggy is gay and I'd like to support him.
Proudly show your support for gay doggy rights and get him this cute biker costume. Then take him to the park and use his now doubly magical gay powers to pick up girls for your own benefit. There's nothing more first world than dressing up your pets! For another cool one, check out this Big Bad Wolf costume.
No matter how many pairs of wool socks I wear, my feet always still cold.
Cold feet suck. It sucks even more when the rest of your body is nice and toasty, but your feet is a frigid block of...feet. These heated slippers come with an insert you pop into the microwave, then into the slippers. It then slowly transfers the heat to your feet while releasing a nice blended scent (not of your feet). How luxurious is that!?
I always have to buy new bags of chips to munch on when I watch shows on my 72" HD 3D TV because the bag from yesterday is all stale! Yuck!
Worry no more! The Copco Bag Cap will keep your silly chips fresh and crunchy until you finish them. The cap will also work for anything contained in a bag!
I couldn't find my tumeric spice and now my homemade curry tastes like crap.
Wars were fought and continents were discovered in the name of spices. Now, you can have them right at your fingertips. Never lose those tiny spice bottles again with this magnetic spice rack. It looks cool while saving you counter space.
I have a dream that one day all men will be created equal...to that of Ron F***ing Swanson!
That dream is about to become one step closer to reality with the official Parks and Recreation Ron F***ing Swanson BBQ Sauce. Perfect to go with your Turf 'N' Turf or Ron Swanson Turkey Burger or just slather onto your mustache for a snack on the go.
I love strawberries but it always takes so long to remove the leaves and hull.
Like the Corn Stripper, OXO brings another inventive time saving device into the kitchen. The Strawberry Huller removes all the unwanted parts in one fell swoop. No more messing with dangerous knives and eating around the stem!
I haven't changed the batteries in the smoke detector for years, but I'm too lazy to check it.
I bet you'd pay more attention if your smoke detector was now a bird. Maybe you'd feed it and pet it. Maybe you'll even change its batteries every once in awhile. Hey, they're serious business and may save your life one day. This one is stylish and effective, with a 1.5 year battery life and 85db alarm signal.
I was eating saltines with rare Russian caviar while watching the latest torrented episode of Breaking Bad. Now there is an audible crunch whenever I press the letters "E," "R," and "L."
Research shows that our hands are dirtier than something real dirty, so who knows what's growing inside the depths of our keyboards. Logitech's Washable Keyboard is a must have for parents with teenage sons and everyone else.
Tiny cuts I get from shaving is literally the worst pain I've felt ever in my life!
You may have never heard of this before but it may potentially save you from death from blood loss. Styptic Pencils stops bleeding from the seemingly unstoppable waterfall of blood caused by nicks and cuts from shaving. As it's applied, it moisturizes and prevents all the bad stuff from penetrating.
The coffee was too hot and I burned my tongue. Now I can't eat or drink anything warm without excruciating pain.
We've all had this happen before. Sipping scalding hot lava coffee and having the fires of hell blast down on your tongue and roof of your mouth. It's surprising that a temperature checking apparatus is not built in with every mug, we're living in the first world for god's sake!
I have to carry my lunchbox separately because I fill my workbag with stolen office items everyday.
You say, "Why don't you just put that stapler INSIDE the lunch box and the lunch box inside your bag?" And we say, "Why don't you shutup? The amount of space saved is equal to 593% in gross product dollars of stolen revenue items." The Pack-Away Lunchbox flattens for easier storage giving you more space for stolen goods.
I left the syrup on the pancakes for too long and now they're all soggy.
There are very few things in the world more disgusting than soggy pancakes. The stuff they eat on Fear Factor, for one. The pancake plate solves this first world problem. It's elevated on one side so the syrup drips into a reservoir keeping your pancake nice and dry. May we suggest Bacon Syrup to go with that?
I ate a huge dinner and now I'm too sleepy to walk my dog.
See, what you do is get one of these Fit Fur Life Treadmills, put it in front of your 90inch LCD TV, turn on the nature channel, put your dog on the treadmill, and crank it up to a nice jogging pace. Your pet won't know the difference and will have the time of its life while you lay down and become one with the sofa.
from Fit Fur Life
I lost my bottle opener and can't open my bottle and my hand hurts if I do it by hand.
Since you now have the Fridge Monkey, you need something open all those pretty bottles, right? Forget clunky bottle openers that get lost in the drawer void. This magnet just upgraded your fridge with the "Open Bottle" ability. Fridge, I choose you!
I wish I could do all the stuff I need to do in the morning in the hot, steaming, and relaxing shower.
Shave, brush your teeth and pee (yes, we all know you do that), look at your pretty face, all in the shower with this fogless shower mirror. No it's not witchcraft, its technology baby and that's what we're all about. It's guaranteed to be fogless for life and comes with a bunch of extras.
It's Winter and I'm miserable the first few minutes I get into bed 'cause the sheets and blankets are so cold.
Turn on this bad boy before hopping in bed and be miserable no more. This heated mattress pad fits into any standard mattress and generates heat underneath your body. Comfy! There's also 10 hours shut-off mechanism so you don't burn your mansion down. Get one for you pet, too!
I bought too much groceries and have to make another trip back to the car.
The consecutive trips back to the car has been man's nemesis since the dawn of humankind. Many men have fallen trying to carry all the bags at once. It's time to rise up against this great evil and buy the Bag Mate Handle Carrier. If you're strong enough, it holds up to 70lbs and you will never make a second trip to the car again.
I wanted a dog so my mom bought me one. Now she expects me to take care of him. What is she? Crazy? I'm busy doing raids, I don't have time for that!
Don't make me slap you, but for the sake of the dog, this automatically refilling water bowl will make sure your pet will never run out of water. Just attach your garden hose to the bowl and it will refill it with water when it gets low.
I keep dripping my expensive homemade shark fin soup on the stovetop and it's so hard to clean between the grills and stuff.
First, you shouldn't be having shark fin soup you heartless bastard. But, for all other stove-related activities, the Trudeau Utensil Pot Clip prevents drips, misplacement, saves space, and much more. Heat-resistant up to 600F and dishwasher safe! BOO shark fin soup, GO pot clip!
I've decrusted my sandwich nicely with the decruster, but freakin' Steve keeps stealing my sandwich at work because it looks so delicious.
Stealing another person's lunch at work should be a crime punishable by death. Especially if it's a beautifully decrusted sandwich. While Obama is working on getting that law passed, stop potential lunch thefts by applying a little sandwich bag trickery.
I have Heated Slippers and a Heated Mattress Pad, but the room itself is still too frigid.
From the hater of all things with blades, techno wizard inventor billionaire, Sir James Dyson, is this fan-less heater. It heats the room faster than its competitors and projects heat further out. Its also safe with no visible heating elements. Use it without the heat as a blade-less fan too!
Apple hasn't released a new product yet this year so I can't show how technologically savvy I am.
It's time to get your consumerism on cause the "New" iPad is coming. No longer continuing with the tradition numbering scheme, you can immediately see the differences with the "New" iPad. It's white or black with a screen and a button...but the biggest improvement is it comes with 20% less suicides!
I have to take my gloves off every time I want to text my husband to meet me at the top of the ski lift. It's such a hassle.
These conductive pins attach to gloves you already own allowing you to use touchscreen devices like your iPhone. No more using your nose because you're too lazy to take your gloves off! They come in packs of four, enough for your texting digits and some to spare.
I forgot which level I parked on and spent 30 minutes walking around looking for my car.
Was it level 3? Or 4? I think it was the one with the pink signs. Never have to deal with forgotten parking spots or backtracking again with this super easy to use Bushnell GPS BackTrack Personal Locator. It only has 2 buttons, one for marking a location, and the other to select and display the direction and distance back.
Why is it so hard to slice a bagel and even harder to slice it evenly? SERIOUSLY, WHY???
The Bagel Guillotine is as awesome as it sounds. Just put your bagel into the slot and push down on the blade to cut that sonovabitch into a perfectly sliced bagel. Saving time and blood loss, the Bagel Guillotine is easy to use and dishwasher safe.
I make such elaborate meals, I have nowhere to put all my cookie utensils when cooking. I have the Pot Clip, but that only holds one thing.
Put your utensils wherever you feel like with this Elevated Utensil Set. Don't worry about getting nasty hair and nail clippings stuck to your ladle if you lay it down on your countertop with this colorful set. And stop clipping your toenails in the kitchen, they're getting into the soup!
I'm late for a full day of classes and forgot to brew a new pot of coffee. FML
These days, we want everything better, faster, stronger, smarter. Well, the AeroPress Coffee will punch you in the face with burning hot coffee if you let it. But really, it just makes really good coffee and espressos really really fast. How fast? How about 1 minute for delicious fresh coffee? Fast enough for ya?
I have to reach all the way to the table to grab my cup of Panda Poop Tea and sometimes I spill it onto my clothes.
Check this out. Hangs right onto the arm of your sofa so everything is in reach. Your Panda Poop Tea, magazines, newspapers, put your TV remote on the side and never have to look for it again.
I can't decide between making apple pie or lemon meringue pie.
After finding this site, you are a professional first world liver. What you want, you get. And if that want is two pies, then doggone it, you gonna get it. This pan has a split in the middle so you can make two different pies at once. What more can I say? Get it now!
The entire office now knows I like Justin Beiber because YouTube keeps freakin' autoplaying videos!!!
Add one more item to the list that helps you procrastinate in secrecy. Stop Autoplay for Youtube is a Chrome browser plug-in that does just that, while allowing the video to buffer. For Firefox users. For IE users, get Google Chrome.
from Chrome Web Store
I cut my finger on the hard, sharp base trying to get out the last drop of toothpaste.
The rich don't stay rich by wasting. This includes toothpaste and other things that come in tubes, like bacon frosting. Squeezeit is a simple little thing that keeps your tubes nice and neat while squeezing out every last drop. We suppose you'll get your money's worth after only 4 or so years!
My shower temperature dials are so sensitive, it takes 5 minutes to get it just right.
Studies have shown that it takes a rocket scientist to calibrate dial temperatures correctly on the first try. That's why the government invested billions into the Temji. Invented by the same guy who invented the space shuttle (I think), Temji attaches onto your tap handles so you can dial in on the perfect temp every time.
Now that I use f.lux, my eyes don't hurt when staring at my monitor at night, but I can't see my keyboard too well.
Mantis is a pretty sweet looking clip-on LED light that runs on batteries (30 hours). It clips on wherever to wherever you need it to and it also transforms into a light stand for when you need it by itself.
I have a master key, password, record, why don't I have a master tool in the kitchen?
Behold, from the same country that brought you the master tool Swiss army knife and Swatch, is this master opener. Smite down any pesky objects impeding you from its inner deliciousness. This multi-tool can open: cans, flip tops, screw tops, pull tabs, and can break the vacuum seal of screw jar tops.
I'm too lazy to untie my shoes so I just smash my feet in like a savage.
Why we don't have automatically tying shoelaces is beyond me. But, in the meantime just use a shoe horn. Stick this thing in the back of your shoe and easily slide your feet in. No more damaged backsides or tying shoelaces. For those too lazy to even bend over: a super long shoe horn.
I love delicious buttery freshly steamed corn but hate the mess it makes when I use my hands. Yucky!
This item does exactly as it's named. It strips the corn right off the cob and gets the messiness out of the way so you can eat in peace. It's easy to use and dishwasher safe. The blades are made from stainless steel too!
I'm into plants and stuff, but have nowhere to grow them in my 30th floor urban apartment.
How about on the railing of your apartment balcony? Betcha hadn't thought of that, right? To do that, you'll need Greenbo's Railing Planter. It fits over almost any railing without any need for adjustments and is made from durable plastics that protects it from water and sun damage. Get plantin'!
My coffee is cold but I'm too lazy to leave my desk to reheat it.
Mr. Coffee's Mug Warmer keeps your cup of joe hot right there on your desk. Its heating pad has a large surface area so it accommodates many different cup sizes and has a convenient on/off switch so you don't set your office on fire, Milton. For a USB version, check this out.
My steamer basket doesn't fit in my new pot :(
We aren't living in the stone-age anymore my friend. It's time to modernize and get a steamer basket that fits in any sized pot. The Lotus Steamer Basket is a seriously cool design that saves storage space and has adjustable sides to fit most pans. There's also a finger guard that protects your fingers from scalding when lifting it out of the pot.
from Joseph Joseph
Hate leaving your warm and comfy home when it's raining because you can't see anything in front of you when you use your giant clunky umbrella? Yeah, me too.
The Goggles Umbrella has got your back...and head and front! This umbrella protects you from urban city acid rain while giving you, as the name implies, a transparent goggle-shaped window so you can see everything in front of you.
I have to wait 5 minutes for water to boil for my "instant" ramen.
It kind of defeats the purpose of instant ramen if you have to boil or microwave water, right? You must have not read the directions on the ramen pack. The part that says you need to have the Zojirushi Water Boiler for instant hot water in order to have instant ramen. Duh! It keeps piping hot (up to 208F) water right at your fingertips.
I have no space to put my Starbucks venti triple-shot double mocha choco latte frappuccino, iPhone, prescription moisturizing lotion, and other stuff I don't need in my tiny Mini Cooper S. Everything is so cluttered!
Travelstacks fits right into one of your cup holders and gives you the extra storage space that you *cough* need *cough*. It can rotate 360 degrees so it doesn't block other valuable areas.
The salsa keeps falling off the chip and I can't get a perfect salsa to chip ratio.
The edges of this bowl is curved inwards so that when you scoop up a chunk of salsa, it pushes it back onto your chip. No more messes, no more drips, and no more uneven chip to salsa ratios. Holds up to 16oz and is available in 3 colors.
It's a quiet Friday night and I'm home alone with only a vacuum. I want to use it, but it doesn't suck hard enough to do anything.
It's time to upgrade to the newest and baddest, buddy. Dyson's brand new DC41 Animal Vacuum will suck the crap out of anything it touches. Its ball technology allows easy movement and turning for wherever you and your vacuum want to go to be alone.
I got sunburned at the beach in Cancun, Mexico and can't reach to rub the soothing lotion onto my tender back.
Aquasentials sells a simple lotion applicator just for hard to reach places like your back. Just apply lotion and use this to spread onto your skin. Simply wash it with soap and hang it up to dry after you're done with it.
I want to start a DIY project that requires some construction. But, I'm afraid of hitting my fingers with the hammer so forget it!
Wait right there buddy. Who says you need to put your fingers in jeopardy when you can just use this Magnetic Nail Setter. Be afraid of the hammer no more my friend. The powerful magnet holds the nail in place while you hammer away.
I spend all this time cutting up my vegetables but getting them all into the pot is the hardest part.
The Encanal Carving Board makes the hardest part the easiest. After chopping up all your goodies, just guide them through the channel and into your pot, frying pan, container, or whatever they belong in. No more messes or wasted food!
from Amore De Madre
I have so many gadgets that I have to charge but the stupid adapters take up too much space on the power strip to charge them all at once.
The Pivot Power Outlet is pretty dang useful for you then. It's an adjustable power strip so you can fit all those large adapters and charge everything at once. Your time is so valuable! Since it is flexible, it also fits nicely into corners and around things.
Even though I can send out tweets and surf the internet with my fridge, it's still the plainest looking thing in my kitchen!
Fridge technology has advanced throughout the years, but the plain old white or gray design has continued to haunt our kitchens! Kudu Fridge Magnets are here to change that! These aren't your mother's magnets, they're giant ones that cover your entire fridge.
from Kudu Magnets
Why are the plugs for my cell phone and laptop so big? I can only charge one thing at once.
If you're looking for a simpler solution than the Pivot Power Outlet, check out this 360 Rotating Outlet. Just plug your device in and rotate it in any direction you want, allowing space for another one of those giant plugs to fit.
I keep spilling my mixes all over the marble counter-top and it's a hassle to clean up!
The Slip-On Pour Spout from RSVP is a flexible silicone spout that easily attaches onto your mixing bowls, pots, pans, and more. Get controlled and accurate pours and no more messy spills. It's also dishwasher safe and heat-resistant up to 480 degrees.
I hurt my wrist in a skiing accident in Aspen last year. Now, it hurts when I try to open jars. But really, I just don't have the strength.
Who needs healthy wrists or muscles when you have the EZ Off Jar Opener? It opens any type of jars easily with its non-slip jar opening mechanism. It also hides nicely under your cabinet so your friends won't make fun of you.
I'm making Japanese Yosenabe and gosh darn it, I burned my hands again handling the pot. Now how am I going to play golf tomorrow?
Trudeau saves the day again with their Silicone Pinch Grips. These silicone grips will protect your precious little thumbs and fingers from heat up to 482 degrees F.