Remember back when you were just a wee little lad; when you had no responsibilities and the three things on your todo list for the day were: find worms, eat worms, and play with Steve from across the street?...(read more)
Look at the picture above you. Look at that beautiful glistening bacon grease. Look at that chewy rubbery bacon fat. Look at that crispity crisp bacon edge. If this doesn’t make your mouth water, then you might as well become a...(read more)
Every passing day brings us closer and closer to the 2012 Apocalypse as predicted by the Mayan who carved ‘December 21st, 2012’ and then quit his job because he was sick of it and wanted to be a DJ....(read more)
Look at the picture above you. Look at that beautiful glistening bacon grease. Look at that chewy rubbery bacon fat. Look at that crispity crisp bacon edge. If this doesn’t make your mouth water, then you might as well become a vegan, you heathen. Why would you not want to surround yourself with the glorious smell of bacon wafting around you 24 hours of the day? Of course you do. Living a first world life means from the second you wake up to the the second you hit the sack, bacon can be a part of your life if you let it. Let evolution’s miracle meat into your life, my son. You won’t regret it.
It’s Friday. One more day until the weekend. You wake up bright and early to a beautiful sunny day. It’s only 7:00 so you decide to hop in the tub for a quick shower. Oh, what do we have here? What a pleasant surprise to start off the day. It’s Bacon Soap. The smell gives you a nice kick of energy so you grab the Bacon Toothpaste and decide to do two things at once, brush your teeth and shower! Genius! You’re feeling a little frisking today so you decide that you’re going to floss your teeth with none other than some Bacon Floss. While shaving, you nicked yourself and blood is pouring out. Good thing you have Bacon Bandages in the medicine cabinet. Good old bacon the the rescue.
There’s still plenty of time before you have to head off to work so you decide to make breakfast for the wife and daughter. What should you make? How about some Bacon Pancakes with a nice big cup of Bacon Flavored Ground Coffee? Your beautiful wife and daughter join you at the kitchen table and you all have an amazing breakfast together. Unfortunately, it’s time to send your daughter off to school, but she can’t find her favorite stuffed animal she was going to bring in for show and tell. You calm her down and tell her everything is going to be okay as you give her a Bacon Lollipop. She smiles and gives you a kiss goodbye. All is good.
It’s off to work for another productive day at the office. Traffic is going be bad today, you can feel it. Thankfully you have the Bacon Air Freshener to tide you over till you get to your office. Traffic turned out to be not so bad after all!
It’s only ten and your stomach is already grumbling. Co-worker Steve is bugging the shit out of you so you decide to treat yourself to your reserve stash of Bacon Jerky. Steve, out of the corner of his eye, spots the bag and asks if he could have some. You give him the last piece and he smiles at you. You swear to yourself that one day you’re going to murder Steve and his entire family. You look him in the eye and put on some Bacon Lip Balm because your lips are dry from the jerky. You think about ways to get away with murder and torture until lunch time.
Lunch Time! You go to your favorite lunchtime hideout and bust out your favorite, Bacon Spam Sandwich with Bacon Spread! What is there to wash that down with? Bacon Flavored Jones Soda of course! Only the best for you! Your entire lunch is gone within minutes because it was so delicious. Now you’re having second thoughts about wolfing it down so fast.
Raise the terror alert to red cause your bowels are about to blow. You grab your iPad out of your bag but it’s out of battery. Perfect. Remember that book about that one thing…what was it? Oh yeah, Bacon: A Love Story. You’ve read half of it and have been meaning to finish it so you grab it and make a mad dash to the bathroom.
1 more hour until you’re free. It’s a good time for a late afternoon snack, don’t you agree? The office kitchen doesn’t have many things available for cooking, but you don’t let that get in your way. You have the Microwave Bacon Cooker and the world is at your fingertips. Within minutes you have freshly microwaved bacon. You stuff the bacon in your pockets as the grease soaks into your pants and drips down your leg, seeping into your socks and into your shoe. You love the feeling of the grease and wallow for a few seconds in its ecstasy. As you walk back to your desk, you get nasty looks from co-workers, but you know they just don’t understand you.
After a tough day at work, you come home looking forward to dinner. What’s for dinner today? Oh, just some Bacon Wrapped Fillet Mignon. Only the best, for the best, you always say. You and family are completely stuffed after dinner. But, there’s still a little room for homemade Bacon Cinnamon Rolls slathered in Bacon Frosting. Its the perfect time to put your daughter to bed, all tired and full of food. After she’s all tucked in, you and your wife decide to have a quiet night in and watch a movie.
You and your wife are snuggled closely together chomping on some Bacon Popcorn while watching Babe. There’s no work tomorrow so you bust out the Bacon Vodka and decidedly get wasted. You want to try something new tonight with your wife so you force her to get wasted with you and you may or may not have slipped something in her drink. The movie is almost over and it will soon be time to hit the sack.
You’re both in bed and things are getting a little hot and heavy. You’re ripping the clothes off each other and you reach for the Bacon Lube. Just the thought of it gets your even more excited. But, you’re not done there. You want the full experience tonight so you grab the Pig Mask and wrangle it onto your wife’s head. You don’t ask her this time you just do it. She too drunk to say anything and you’ve never done this to someone who’s not resisted before! You’re going at it and all you can think of is bacon. Life is Good.