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A First World Apocalypse

Zombie infested meteor crashing into Earth may be the cause of the 2012 apocalypse.

Zombie infested meteor crashing into Earth may be the cause of the 2012 apocalypse.

Every passing day brings us closer and closer to the 2012 Apocalypse as predicted by the Mayan who carved ‘December 21st, 2012’ and then quit his job because he was sick of it and wanted to be a DJ. I know what you’re all thinking; “How am I suppose to live my cushy first world life when the world is in chaos and the Starbucks across the street is on fire?” Don’t panic! We got you here at First World Living, though you may have to drink your own piss in the process.

Shelter

Project Utopia

 Project Utopia

Buy it from Firebox

As society collapses, you’ll surely need to find a new place to replace your Manhattan penthouse. This doesn’t mean you have to downgrade, however. This massive behemoth called Project Utopia spans 100 meters in length and has 11 pimped out decks. It’s technically a ship so it can move (very slowly) around in the ocean from place to place keeping you safe from swimming zombies. “But how much does it cost?” you ask. Probably in the hundreds of millions so unless you got yourself a good chunk of that sweet, sweet Facebook stock, we suggest you get your butt to Dubai and start kissing some sultan ass. If you’d prefer to stay on dry land, then check out these underground bunkers for sale.

Solar Tent

Solar Powered Tent

from Orange

While looking for shelter, waiting for the chaos to die down, or thinking of a way to steal the keys to that luxerious underground silo you have your eyes on, camp in luxury with this solar powered tent. This tent provides a wireless charging pouch, heated floors, lighting, and communication functions all through the power of the sun.

Food

Shelf Reliance 1 year food supply

Shelf Reliance 1 Year Food Supply

Buy it from Amazon or Costco

Let’s face it, you’re not going to go Les Stroud on nature’s ass nor are you probably capable of it. Food will probably one of the most valuable commodities, and lucky for you, you prepared ahead of time and bought a 5 year supply of it. It’s not fine dining, but you’ll be enjoying the shit out of those freeze dried pees while co-worker Steve is eating a rat tail he found in the sewer. Shelf Reliance’s Thrive comes with 4,866 total servings; a 12 month food supply for 1 person, 6 months for 2 people, 3 months for 4, 45 days for 8, 22 days for 16, 11 days for 32, 5 days for 64, or 1 day for 256 people when you’re having a party celebrating the beheading of zombie Kim Jong Un-Dead.

Bacon Jerky

Bacon, my love...

Bacon Jerky

Buy it from Amazon

Being in the midst of an apocalypse doesn’t mean you can’t live a first world life, it also means that you don’t have to give up bacon. But, unless you’re going out and finding a juicy pig, trapping and killing it, and know how to perform the magical spell that calls forth delicious bacon from the pig, then Bacon Jerky is going to have to do. Stock up on long lasting bacon jerky while you still can and bust it out on special occasions like when you find out you’ve got a seat on a spaceship off this planet because you have 100 pounds of bacon jerky.

Water

Hydration Technology Innovation’s Water Filter

Hydration Technology Innovation’s Water Filter

Buy it from Amazon

One of the few things more needed than food is water. Will you drink elephant poop juice like Bear Grylls? Yes? Where will you find a flippin’ elephant then? Gotcha! Forget lugging buckets of water from a stream or a well, if you could even find one, like some medival peasant. HTI’s water filtration products are state of the art and can transform virtually anything liquid that has water in it into safe and drinkable water. And when I say anything, I mean it will even turn your delicious yellow piss into plain old drinking water.


Transportation

Moller Skycar

Moller Skycar

Buy it from Firebox

So your floating island mates or your underground bunker mates found out you’ve got years worth of food and bacon stashed in your room and you weren’t sharing. They’ve grabbed their pitchforks and your ass is due for some forkin’. Money to the recue again cause in your closet, you’ve stashed a flying fuckin’ car. Hop in and escape in villainous style.

Solar Powered Car

Venturi Solar Powered Car

From Venturi

Gas will surely be scarce if even available. Where will you charge electric vehicles? That’s why you need this solar powered car. Sure it looks goofy as hell but we’ll see who’s laughing when everyone’s being eaten by rabid infected donkeys and you’re zipping away at a swift 30mph to safety.

Personal

waterless composting toilet

Waterless Composting Toilet

Buy it from Ecovita

While pooing and pissing wherever one likes may sound fun to some people, first world livers addicted to the feel of porcelain to ass can use this waterless composting toilet. It seperates pee and doo doo so it’s not mixed and waste is easily removed and cleaned. Pee on the scorched earth like a barbarian if you want, but when you have that cute mutant sewer girl over for dinner, save some dignity and use this toilet.

chainmail armor

Chainmail Armor

Buy it from Amazon

You see a guy walking around with chainmail armor on. What do you do? You don’t fuck with that guy, that’s what you do. Guns will be useless when the bullets run out and you need something to protect you from hand to hand axe combat…or at least show the other person you mean serious business.

Devices

solar device charger

Solar Device Charger

Buy it from Amazon

This sweet thing lets you charge your devices with solar power so you can continue to post status updates on Facebook and Twitter.

“The only survivor within 20 miles died trying to find medical supplies. Just watching MASH on DVD for the 20th time, LOL.”

biolite campstove

Biolite Camp Stove

Buy it from Biolite

When you’re really stuck out in the wild apocalypse raveged world, this Biolite Camp Stove could really be a lifesaver. It burns off twigs to keep your warm and coverts some of that heat into electric energy so you can charge your electronic devices.

Other

life 24000 piece jigsaw puzzle

Life, The 24,000 Piece Jigsaw Puzzle

Buy it from Amazon

Years have gone by and you’re still living your first world life in your safe little silo. You’ve alienated all the other survivors for the sake of your own survival. You finally realize that the world isn’t going to get better and you start to reflect on the things you could’ve done differently and the choices you’ve made. From this moment on, you know you’re going to spend the rest of your time alone, alone but alive. Good thing you have this 24,000 piece jigsaw puzzle appropriately called, “Life.”

Anything to add? Leave a comment or send us a mail!

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