Remember back when you were just a wee little lad; when you had no responsibilities and the three things on your todo list for the day were: find worms, eat worms, and play with Steve from across the street?...(read more)
Look at the picture above you. Look at that beautiful glistening bacon grease. Look at that chewy rubbery bacon fat. Look at that crispity crisp bacon edge. If this doesn’t make your mouth water, then you might as well become a...(read more)
Every passing day brings us closer and closer to the 2012 Apocalypse as predicted by the Mayan who carved ‘December 21st, 2012’ and then quit his job because he was sick of it and wanted to be a DJ....(read more)
From clothing to robotic enhancements, show your friends you’re better than them.
All that beer and "appetizers" have turned me into a fat slob and I need to get back in shape for my beach vacation!
Thanks to first world technology, I can now track everything from calories expended to sleep cycles.The bonus is that this watch will go really well with most of my wardrobe. Gotta still look good while working out!
I have too many pairs of shoes but no more shelf space to store them.
Don't stop your financially crippling addiction of shoe shopping just because you have no more storage space. Don't be like that idiot Steve who wears the same pair of disgusting shoes every day. These foldable shoes lets you carry around different pairs easily so you can change styles throughout the day like the superstar you are.
Co-worker Steve hasn't given me a reason to physically assault him today.
Need a disguise? Well these could work...not really. Or you can just give it to co-worker Steve who will put it on and give you a reason to uppercut his nuts for looking like a d-bag. And you won't be reprimanded as it was passed by congress and signed by Obama that whoever wears these deserve a swift kick to the balls.
I ran out of blades so I had to use a rusty old one which gave me tetanus. I never got a tetanus vaccine because I don't have health insurance and can't get it treated because it'll cost too much. Now I'm going to die.
Sometimes it just doesn't feel like we live in a first world country! Fortunately, all that misfortune could have been avoided by joining the dollar shave club. Watch this video for details.
from Dollar Shave Club
I messed up my shaving my goatee and now I have a Hitler mustache. Worse is I think it looks pretty good on me.
The Hitler mustache may have bee inadvertent, but it doesn't help that you're goose stepping all around town at the same time. Avoid acquiring a taste for distasteful things by using this goatee shaving device. Just stick it in your mouth and have the perfect goatee in seconds.
I forgot to place my bookmark so now I have to start Atlas Shrugged from the beginning.
If someone said they'd reinvented the wheel, you'd call him crazy. If someone said they'd reinvented the bookmark, you'd burn them at the stake for witchcraft. Then you'd feel real guilty cause the Albatross Bookmark is worthy of the title. It follows your reading so you don't have to remember page numbers.
My friends make fun of me for carrying pepper spray on my keychain.
Look out brass knuckles cause we got a new bad boy in town and he's packin' 950,000 volts. The Knuckle Blaster Stun wears like tradition brass knuckles, but packs a little surprise with each hit. Send attackers (or previously mentioned friends) into shock as you uppercut then in the balls and prance away like a little girl.
My new winter coat only came with 2 pockets. What gives?
I'm sorry to break the news to you, but you've made a huge mistake. Better return that limp noddle of a jacket cause SeV Revolution Plus just kicked down your door and is strangling your mother. Key features include the iPadPocket, Handwarmer Pocket, controlling iPhones/iPad through the cloth, all within the NoBuldge design.
I was responding to a text and ran into a light post. Everyone laughed at me.
This is one of those simple but genius ideas that should come with every smartphone, but doesn't. Fortunately, there's an app for that called Type n Walk. Avoided running into acquaintances you don't want to talk to, stepping on dog doo doo, babies, puddles, and more with this handy app. And it's less than a dollar!
from iTunes App Store
I didn't get any compliments on my new watch.
Everybody has Rolexes these days, but who has a watch from mother effin Tron? This watch, technically called the Kisai 7 LED Watch, has two pulsating LED rings; one for the hour and the other for minutes. It reads like a conventional watch so you don't look stupid when someone asks you for the time and comes in blue or white colored LEDs.
My boarding gate was too far and I almost missed my flight to the Bahamas.
People are already boarding and you're still buying your duty free cartons of cigarettes. But, you're not worried at all because you have the Samsonite Micro Luggage with attached scooter. You stuff your crap into the carry-on-able luggage and scoot on down to the gate, not forgetting to hit the "human conveyor belt" for super-speed.
Whilst intoxicated, I wandered into a dark corridor and was met with a man whose motives were questionable. Needless to say I feared for my life.
If I had a dollar for every time a would-be robber asked for my belt and I could have quickly pulled out a knife, I'd have zero dollars. But, this belt buckle knife still is an awesome idea to fend off potential attackers. Nothing is scarier than a man with a belt buckle knife and pants on the floor.
from Bowen Knife
I like listening to NWA's Straight Outta Compton while falling asleep. My wife doesn't.
Ever try falling asleep with Grado headphones on? I did and I woke up with cauliflower ears! SleepPhones solves the first world problem for those of us who enjoy listening to music while dozing off. The fleece headband contains thin removable speakers so you can jam out to the Biebs before knocking out.
A homeless man heard my pockets jingling after I told him I didn't have change. It was my keys.
We live in a modern world. There's no reason we should be keeping keys that access our expensive belongings on a flimsy metal rings that was probably invented 5,000 years ago. The Keyport consolidates up to 6 keys in a modern & sleek design. It even comes with a USB, LED, and bottle opener.
It takes me 10 minutes to walk from the Starbucks to my office, but only 6 minutes to finish my drink.
Motorized rollerskates? Who woulda thunk it. It seems we've leapfrogged the whole flying cars thing and at least one thing from those crazy 1920s predict the future articles has come true. They see you rollin', but you've zipped by too fast to hear them hatin'.
I washed my pants with my iPhone still in the pocket. Now I have to use an old phone like some unsophisticated barbarian.
Isn't it embarrassing to receive a call and have to pull out a Nokia 3310 while waiting on your new iPhone? Liquipel is a waterproof coating that protects your device in accidental exposures to water. It works well enough that phones work even after being completely submerged in water!
My manly Ron Swanson mustache gets whipped cream in it when I drink my latte.
This isn't one of those silly mugs with a mustache print on it. This mug is for real hard mofos with real mustaches. The mustache shaped guard protects your manstache from getting soiled by whatever you're drinking. For classy soup connoisseurs, check out this mustache protecting spoon.
I used a new bottle of $600 bottle of cologne, but didn't get any compliments.
Sex Panther Cologne, son. We're lucky enough to live in an age where we can buy fake products in movies we've paid to watch! Consumerism at its finest! Apply it to any exposed skin and pour a generous amount down the front of pants. Then scream "60% of the time, it works every time," so we all know you've seen the movie.
The neighborhood homeless man tried to talk to me. Now I have to take a different route to work.
The world is a scary place and you've heard the saying that people are inherently evil. Protect the all your credit cards and cash from that homeless man that asked you for some change, for he might one day rob you. This biometric wallet is virtually indestructible and only opens to your fingerprint. For a less expensive one.
I forgot to pack my $500 Armani sweatpants and left them in the hotel room.
You've lost over $10,000 worth of items by forgetting them in hotels and you're starting to think maybe the affair isn't worth it anymore. We're here to stop you from thinking such silly thoughts. Never unpack again with this luggage. Hang it up and it unfolds with all your stuff neatly inside. Also makes for a fast getaway if need be.
It's only 9:00AM at work, the bacon toothpaste taste is gone, the microwave is broken, I'm out of bacon jerky and ate my backup bacon I keep in my pockets. How will I get through the day?
You could lick the bacon grease that's dripped down your leg from your back pocket like a crack fiend, or you can bust out your binoculars you've filled with bacon flavored vodka just for emergencies like this.
The apocalypse is coming this year. How am I suppose to live a first world life with the world blowing up?
While people are digging through the dirt looking for bugs to eat, you'll be living like a king in your underground bunker with Shelf Reliance's 1 year food supply (for 1 person). It has a shelf life of 25 years and provides a whopping 4,866 servings. Or trade a can of peas for an Apocalyptic manicure.
My 1,000 thread count Egyptian bald eagle feather down pillow is so soft my entire head sinks in and gets too hot.
Before you throw out the pillow that put America's national bird back on the endangered species list, try adding a Chillow to it. It fits any regular sized pillows and keeps your pillow cool throughout the night. You can even stick it in the fridge for added cooling intensity.
I'm being made fun of for using girls' body wash.
Ever have the nightmare where a burglar breaks in while you're in the shower, comes in the bathroom, rips open the curtain, and sees you standing there naked. But then he's one of those sexy burglars and you start making out with him? The soap gun is in case he's not sexy and need to scare him off. Also, I know what I'm sneaking up my ass if I ever go to prison.
My boss makes me write a reports. I can't believe I'm only getting paid 90k a year to do this crap.
Relax and take a deep breath. After work, we'll go to the doctor's and get a prescription for Xanax OK? Or we can try a more holistic approach and get one of these zen gardens for your desk. Staring at its lines and curves may lower stress and prevent a heart attack. Maybe we should have given one to Zombie Dick Cheney.
I forgot which level I parked on and spent 30 minutes walking around looking for my car.
Was it level 3? Or 4? I think it was the one with the pink signs. Never have to deal with forgotten parking spots or backtracking again with this super easy to use Bushnell GPS BackTrack Personal Locator. It only has 2 buttons, one for marking a location, and the other to select and display the direction and distance back.
My skinny jeans pockets are too tight to fit both my iPhone and wallet full of cash.
The obvious solution would be to take out all the cash and put your iPhone in your wallet where the cash was once, right? No? Or you can combine your iPhone and your wallet into one seamless object synonymous with first world life. That sounds better. BookBook's iPhone & Wallet Case combo does just that.
For the love of god why is there not bacon jerky?
The universe's greatest give to humankind is now in portable, forever lasting jerky form! Say goodbye to greezy pant pockets and stock your portable stash with bacon jerky instead. Praise the lord, all glory to allah, thank you Carl Sagan, Buddha, Flying Spaghetti Monster! I can die a happy man.
from Bacon Freak
Messenger bags are in. So is being geeky. But, I don't want to seem like a poser by jumping on the bandwagon.
Show everyone you mean business by getting one of these cartoon-styled bags. Jeez they really look cartoony. Get compliments from all the cool hipsters riding by on their unicycles and maybe get into a conversation about Zelda...or whatever.
from Jump from Paper
The Camping Card was a huge hit with my friends when we camped in my backyard. Now I need a more heavy duty set for public park camping.
Show you friends you mean business with this Everyday Carry Multi-Tool Kit. These small multiuse tools attaches to your keychain so they are always with you. Each tool is super durable and it comes with a pry bar, screwdriver key, waterproof lighter, and tweezers.
from Kaufmann Merc.
I fell asleep in Chem class. Now my neck hurts.
Show your professor his class is boring by strapping on the Arm Pillo. Stick it to the airline and show them that they can't keep you awake with their tortuous seats by strapping on the Arm Pillo and punching the CEO in the face. Let your friend know her car conversations are boring by strapping on the Arm Pillo to the seat belt and falling asleep. Am I missing anything?
I've been working out and want to tell all my friends, but I don't want to brag.
Let Fitbit do all the bragging for you. "Yeah I ran 5 miles today. This thing I have tracks and uploads all my activity online so people can see. It's so embarrassing! I don't want everyone to know!" Fitbit Wireless Activity & Sleep Tracker will track steps, distance, and stairs with its 3d accelerometer. It also tracks how well you sleep!
I forgot to bring my bottled water to the gym and have to drink out of the fountain like a barbarian.
Our first world bodies are delicate. Tap water with dirty little germs and microbes can make us sick (totally untrue). Save money and ditch bottled water and go with the Bobble Water Bottle. Fill it with tap water and the filter eliminates toxins and harmful chemicals as you drink. The filter lasts about 2 months and is replaceable.
I want to show my friends a video of a fat squirrel stuck in a bird feeder, but my iPhone screen is too small for everyone to see.
Be the life of the party with this Pico Projector. It not only works with iPods/iPhones/etc, but also with digital cameras, portable DVD players, and more. Imagine showing up to a party and busting this out and showing everyone your favorite cat vid. The ladies will be on you in no time!
I wish I could go to work in my pajamas.
This has been the dream of men around the world. To get out of bed and go straight to work without changing pants, and to lounge around work in enviable comfortableness while making fun of Steve in his wool suit. The geniuses at Betabrand have started a new fashion revolution with these, and hell they look better than my real dress pants.
Sometimes I daydream about being James Bond and having all his cool gadgets.
Step 1 to becoming a super spy: get WiFi hotspot capable cufflinks with 2GB USB storage so you can check Facebook wherever you are. Step 2: there is no step two because you're now a man with WiFi with storage cufflinks. Now get ready to go kick some ass and get some international model babes.
My anxiety medication doesn't work for my dog.
Does your dog poo on the floor and then eat it whenever something scares him/her? No? Then how about shake and shiver uncontrollably and then hide in the bushes? Yeah? Then you need the Thundershirt Dog Anxiety Treatment Wrap. Anxiety sucks, for humans and dogs. This shirt helps relieve fear, anxiety, and stress with a high success rate.
I have to carry my lunchbox separately because I fill my workbag with stolen office items everyday.
You say, "Why don't you just put that stapler INSIDE the lunch box and the lunch box inside your bag?" And we say, "Why don't you shutup? The amount of space saved is equal to 593% in gross product dollars of stolen revenue items." The Pack-Away Lunchbox flattens for easier storage giving you more space for stolen goods.
I don't drink tea because it takes too much time to prepare. People think I'm unsophisticated.
The Tipping Tea Cup is a seriously cool item. You stick your loose tea leaves (tea bags also work) into the small compartment, then pour water through it and tip the cup onto its other side and the tea will seep through the filter. Pip pip cheerio, time to enjoy some delicious tea.
I need to shower but I'm drinking beer. And I can't drink beer in the shower, so I'm not going to shower.
It's 2012, we should be allowed to drink and shower at the same time!!! VOTE RON PAUL!!! Oh wait, you can? The Tub Mug lets you drink your beverage of choice while washing your sweaty armpits. Then you can go brag to your friends about what you just did, you wild man.
from Tub Mug
I'm too lazy to untie my shoes so I just smash my feet in like a savage.
Why we don't have automatically tying shoelaces is beyond me. But, in the meantime just use a shoe horn. Stick this thing in the back of your shoe and easily slide your feet in. No more damaged backsides or tying shoelaces. For those too lazy to even bend over: a super long shoe horn.
No matter how many pairs of wool socks I wear, my feet always still cold.
Cold feet suck. It sucks even more when the rest of your body is nice and toasty, but your feet is a frigid block of...feet. These heated slippers come with an insert you pop into the microwave, then into the slippers. It then slowly transfers the heat to your feet while releasing a nice blended scent (not of your feet). How luxurious is that!?
My fingers get stiff and ache after 8 hours of pwning 8 year olds in BF3.
Strap on this baby between intense gaming sessions to give your hands and fingers a much needed stretch. The Xtensor also makes your reaction time faster while relieving cramps. And its an effective treatment for tennis elbow and arthritis!
I'm sick of bad tasting food. Why can't everything taste like bacon?
You really have to try this. These tablets are made from "miracle fruit," native to West Africa. When taken, they modify your taste buds so beer tastes like chocolate and sour things taste sweet. They're perfectly safe. Now, you can start having your own "Flavor Tripping" parties. It doesn't get any more "first world" than that.
My bed is so comfortable with all the crap this site has convinced me buy, it's now even harder to wake up in the morning.
Everyone has an alarm clock. How about one that makes you do math problems to shut it off? SCREW THAT. I'm not doing math. How about an alarm clock that knows your sleep patterns and wakes you in your lightest sleep phase? WHOA! This App for iOS devices does just that.
I'm going to be sluggish all day because I forgot to bring my mug to work. But I have all these canning jars laying around...
Watch out MacGyver, you're about to transform that canning jar into a portable mug! Cappow is a creative invention that lets you attach a lid to that jar you have for easy spill-free drinking. Now all you have to do is make up a reason as to why you're drinking out of a jar!
Sometimes I want to escape my first world life and pretend I can survive in the wilderness if the economy collapses. But really, I wouldn't last a day.
This might save your life when you're out there pretending to be one with nature. This little tool is about the size of a credit card and easily fits in your wallet. It has 11 useful functions like the saw blade for when you're being attacked by a bear.
I wish I could do all the stuff I need to do in the morning in the hot, steaming, and relaxing shower.
Shave, brush your teeth and pee (yes, we all know you do that), look at your pretty face, all in the shower with this fogless shower mirror. No it's not witchcraft, its technology baby and that's what we're all about. It's guaranteed to be fogless for life and comes with a bunch of extras.
Walking down Wall St. is getting a bit hairy. These OWS kids are starting to get a little rowdy and I fear for my safety.
If you really don't deserve to be shot in the face, then check this out. Miguel Caballero makes fashionable and discreet bulletproof clothing out of Columbia. Some clients include Kings, Presidents, and Steven Seagal so you know you'll be in good hands with this polo shirt.
from Fresh Polos
The gap between my seat and console is like a black hole. I keep losing my change and can't fit my hand through to retrieve it.
The Drop Stop is an incredibly simple invention to stop just that; things falling through that gap between the seat and console. It fits snuggly into the gap with a space for the seatbelt buckle and allows seat adjustments without disturbance. (Warning: Link has Autoplay YouTube video)
from Buy Drop Stop