Remember back when you were just a wee little lad; when you had no responsibilities and the three things on your todo list for the day were: find worms, eat worms, and play with Steve from across the street?...(read more)
Look at the picture above you. Look at that beautiful glistening bacon grease. Look at that chewy rubbery bacon fat. Look at that crispity crisp bacon edge. If this doesn’t make your mouth water, then you might as well become a...(read more)
Every passing day brings us closer and closer to the 2012 Apocalypse as predicted by the Mayan who carved ‘December 21st, 2012′ and then quit his job because he was sick of it and wanted to be a DJ....(read more)
Fun and interesting items that we can play with when the 768 HD satellite channels on TV aren’t enough.
Even though I can send out tweets and surf the internet with my fridge, it's still the plainest looking thing in my kitchen!
Fridge technology has advanced throughout the years, but the plain old white or gray design has continued to haunt our kitchens! Kudu Fridge Magnets are here to change that! These aren't your mother's magnets, they're giant ones that cover your entire fridge.
from Kudu Magnets
That son of a bitch fly just landed on my freshly made tiramisu cake! Now I have to throw the whole thing away...
Look at that fly zipping around like he owns the place. Taunting you at every swipe you take and now you're out of breath because eating cake everyday is unhealthy for you. It's time to go terminator on Mr. Fly and bust a salt cap in his ass with your BUG-A-SALT!
from Bugasalt
I have a dream that one day all men will be created equal...to that of Ron F***ing Swanson!
That dream is about to become one step closer to reality with the official Parks and Recreation Ron F***ing Swanson BBQ Sauce. Perfect to go with your Turf 'N' Turf or Ron Swanson Turkey Burger or just slather onto your mustache for a snack on the go.
from Amazon
I'm so ridiculously fabulous that my poor friends and family want to be around me all the time.
Not everyone can be as awesome as you. Less fortunate friends obviously want to be close to you to feel better about themselves and have a sense of belonging. Tell your clingy friends, "Hey I know I'm pretty amazing, but I can't have you over all the time..." with this "oh Shit Not You Again" doormat.
from Amazon.com
I was so focused on the video game I forgot to drink my beer. Now it's all warm.
Count this as your newest addition to your theoretical man-cave. This classic looking gaming cabinet hides an ace up it's coin slot by having built in beer tap. Never have to worry about dehydration from intense gaming session as the draft system is just an arms-reach away.
from Arkeg
I'm surrounded by bullshit all day from co-worker Steve to all the crap on TV.
It would be a much better world if everyone carried around this Bullshit Button and pressed it if the scent of bullshit penetrated the air. Let others know how you really feel about their stories and gossip. Or maybe send a few thousand boxes of these to Fox News HQ.
Biotechnology isn't advanced enough for me to realistically hope for a zombie outbreak.
Let's face it, everyone deep down wishes there was a zombie outbreak. Maybe just a tiny one so you can get to smash zombie co-worker Steve and be office hero. If you fantasize about this at least once a day and live in the UK, check out the Zombie Manor House. Play out your objectives in a zombie infested mansion!
from Wish
My girlfriend got mad at me when I responded to her "I love you" text message with "yea lolz."
In a society where men must maintain their manly image by refraining from uttering such phrases as "I love you" or "that's cute," they only way to express their feelings is through this super cute Magic Message Egg. Water the egg and it will soon sprout a sweet message for your loved one. *Cuddles and giggles*
Co-worker Steve hasn't given me a reason to physically assault him today.
Need a disguise? Well these could work...not really. Or you can just give it to co-worker Steve who will put it on and give you a reason to uppercut his nuts for looking like a d-bag. And you won't be reprimanded as it was passed by congress and signed by Obama that whoever wears these deserve a swift kick to the balls.
My nutritionist tells me that a bloody mary is not a suitable replacement meal for dinner.
So that bakon vodka you're using for your bloody mary doesn't really have any protein and the tomato juice doesn't really count as a serving of fruit. To really make it a meal, you'll need these meat straws; as the popular life motto goes: "Get drunk, then eat the straw." Personally, I also enjoy milk and soda with these. Price is for 30.
I have to wait months for the next season of A Game of Thrones and I'm too lazy to read the books.
Who needs books when you can play a board game instead? Create your own story as surely it'll be better than George R.R. Martin's. Forge alliances or plan backstabbing betrayals as you control a house of Westeros and try to take over as much land as possible.
I let my beer sit too long and it's lost all its foamy goodness.
Wish you could always have beer that tastes like it just came straight out the tap, but don't want to pay 10 bucks for a pint? Check out this sweet mug that creates the perfectly poured beer every single time. Pour about half a mugs worth and hit the switch to create the perfect amount of foam. It's from Japan so of course there's a sweet video.
from Japan Trend Shop
Shouting obscenities at co-worker Steve for fun turned out to be inappropriate at work.
Unfortunately, they've caught onto your 'I have Tourrettes' excuse you'd always use for your pent up aggression. You now carry this shouting vase everywhere and shout your string of obscenities into it instead. The shouting vase absorbs your screams and emits a softer verion through the whole at the base.
I've got an ungodly craving for some Tagalongs, but the Girl Scouts aren't allowed to sell to my house anymore.
How were you suppose to know it was the Girl Scouts when you answered the door naked? They can't come to you, but now you can go to them with this this Girl Scout Cookie Finder app. An app that finds cookies for you... Tell me this isn't First World Living at its finest.
from iTunes App Store
I spent months and hundreds of dollars last year on my Halloween costume and didn't even place in the costume contest.
As with everything else, solve your miseries with money and use other people's ingenuity to for your own personal selfish gain! For this particular problem, just get this Rorschach Mask and wow away the competition. The inkblots actually animate and are affected by your breath.
from RorschachMasks
Co-worker Steve's done something stupid again, but I've already received a warning from HR for threatening physical harm against him.
If you need a more benign way of showing disapproval, disagreement, or dissatisfaction, then surely these glasses are for you. The next time Steve tells you keeping bacon in your pockets is disgusting, pop on these glasses and tell him he's going to regret say that.
from Etsy
They say fresh juice is healthier than store-bought, but I'm too lazy to do it.
Straight from the land of innovation, Gurefuru Chuchu acts as a super simple to use juicer while being super cute at the same time. Just cut a hole, stick Gurefuru Chuchu in, turn the handle around a bit, and bam - fresh juice. If you're still not convinced you need this, then I dare you to not watch this video.
I didn't get any compliments on my new watch.
Everybody has Rolexes these days, but who has a watch from mother effin Tron? This watch, technically called the Kisai 7 LED Watch, has two pulsating LED rings; one for the hour and the other for minutes. It reads like a conventional watch so you don't look stupid when someone asks you for the time and comes in blue or white colored LEDs.
from TokyoFlash
My first world life is nice and comfortable, but sometimes I wish it were more exciting. Maybe I'll get a dog!
How many hours have you spent planning the perfect scenario in case of a zombie outbreak? You've read The Zombie Survival Guide and World War Z so it's time for the real thing. The 5k Zombie Run is probably the closest you're going to get. Get off your sofa run for your life!
from Run For Your Lives
It takes me 10 minutes to walk from the Starbucks to my office, but only 6 minutes to finish my drink.
Motorized rollerskates? Who woulda thunk it. It seems we've leapfrogged the whole flying cars thing and at least one thing from those crazy 1920s predict the future articles has come true. They see you rollin', but you've zipped by too fast to hear them hatin'.
from spnKIX
I get the urge to climb up a slippery wall whenever I go swimming.
You already can play pool in a pool, so why not go rock climbing at the same time also? AquaClimb can be attached to any poolside and includes handles that can be rotated 90 degrees to increase difficulty. Perfect for young children, especially under the age of 5.
from Opulent Items
I only eat the marshmallows so a box of Lucky Charms is only 1 serving.
We all know the tiny marshmallows are the best part of cereal. If only there was a cereal made of ONLY the marshmallows...There is! Cereal Marshmallows is simply just a bag filled with delicious cereal marshmallow goodness with a hint of diabetes sprinkled on top. First World Living at its finest.
My wife's blamed me for losing the keys to the Land Rover when she knows I took the Hummer to work this morning.
Never lose or mix up your keys again while taking out your aggression by figuratively shoving your keys up your significant other's...nevermind. This unique couple's key holder comes with a key for each gender that you keep in your key ring. The keys then fits into the male or female forms.
First world living makes life easy but sometimes boring. I wish I could live in a fantasy world.
After a discussion with your friends about which fictional world you would live in, you go home and cry yourself to sleep because you know it'll never happen. You can at least pretend to be a wizard with this remote control wand. Change the channel with a flick or turn down the volume with a twist. Yer a wizard 'Arry!
I used a new bottle of $600 bottle of cologne, but didn't get any compliments.
Sex Panther Cologne, son. We're lucky enough to live in an age where we can buy fake products in movies we've paid to watch! Consumerism at its finest! Apply it to any exposed skin and pour a generous amount down the front of pants. Then scream "60% of the time, it works every time," so we all know you've seen the movie.
Should I ask my girlfriend to marry me? I can't make up my mind!
Ask the cat. What? Ask the cat in the box. That's right, Schrödinger's Cat Decision Maker will answer that question for you by either being dead or alive (we're assuming dead = no and alive = yes, but perhaps the opposite for your engagement question). Ask it a question and the cat will flash between dead and alive.
from ThinkGeek
The cat's seen the dog's new biker outfit and now she's jealous!
Oh the things we do for out pets. Cat is asking you why dog gets a new outfit but she doesn't get anything. You try to explain to her that it's to support a cause, but she counters your argument with straight up cat facts. You cannot dispute the validity of cat law so you get her this cat mohawk and order is restored in the universe.
My little doggy is gay and I'd like to support him.
Proudly show your support for gay doggy rights and get him this cute biker costume. Then take him to the park and use his now doubly magical gay powers to pick up girls for your own benefit. There's nothing more first world than dressing up your pets! For another cool one, check out this Big Bad Wolf costume.
It's only 9:00AM at work, the bacon toothpaste taste is gone, the microwave is broken, I'm out of bacon jerky and ate my backup bacon I keep in my pockets. How will I get through the day?
You could lick the bacon grease that's dripped down your leg from your back pocket like a crack fiend, or you can bust out your binoculars you've filled with bacon flavored vodka just for emergencies like this.
from Liquorama
I've been to all the countries my friends are talking about, but can't say anything more or I'll seem elitist.
'I've been there before' is the traveler's version of the hipster's 'I've seen them live.' You're cultured but don't want to brag about it. Just have this map on prominent display and it does the talking for you. Or use it as motivation to travel and see how people really live outside your first world life.
I'm addicted to one of those stupid Zynga games and can't stop thinking about it.
Why not play real life Zynga Fish HotelVille? Spend your hard earned money to add more fish hotel stories with this modular fish aquarium. Get enough levels and start renting out rooms to other fish. Whether you want to be a benevolent landlord or a slum lord that kills baby fish if they don't pay rent, that's up to you.
I'm being made fun of for using girls' body wash.
Ever have the nightmare where a burglar breaks in while you're in the shower, comes in the bathroom, rips open the curtain, and sees you standing there naked. But then he's one of those sexy burglars and you start making out with him? The soap gun is in case he's not sexy and need to scare him off. Also, I know what I'm sneaking up my ass if I ever go to prison.
My boss makes me write a reports. I can't believe I'm only getting paid 90k a year to do this crap.
Relax and take a deep breath. After work, we'll go to the doctor's and get a prescription for Xanax OK? Or we can try a more holistic approach and get one of these zen gardens for your desk. Staring at its lines and curves may lower stress and prevent a heart attack. Maybe we should have given one to Zombie Dick Cheney.
For the love of god why is there not bacon jerky?
The universe's greatest give to humankind is now in portable, forever lasting jerky form! Say goodbye to greezy pant pockets and stock your portable stash with bacon jerky instead. Praise the lord, all glory to allah, thank you Carl Sagan, Buddha, Flying Spaghetti Monster! I can die a happy man.
from Bacon Freak
Movie tickets cost $15, popcorn costs $10, and I'm watching Twilight: New Dawn 3. How am I going to get through this without alcohol?
Binoculars are for the most part innocuous. Unless you're seen with them around a playground or your ex-girlfriend's house, people will just think you're an avid bird-watcher. Little do they know you have 16oz. of whiskey you need to get you through the day.
Messenger bags are in. So is being geeky. But, I don't want to seem like a poser by jumping on the bandwagon.
Show everyone you mean business by getting one of these cartoon-styled bags. Jeez they really look cartoony. Get compliments from all the cool hipsters riding by on their unicycles and maybe get into a conversation about Zelda...or whatever.
from Jump from Paper
I like to ride my vespa around everywhere, but people make fun of me cause it looks dorky.
Walking sucks and vespas make you look like a mall cop. Trade it in for this sweet looking all electric scooter. It gets whopping 40 miles on one charge and charges through a regular outlet. Taking it out on the streets gets you up to 35MPH or just zip around in your palace like a boss.
from Boxx Corp
My balls itch, but I'm in a 2 hour meeting.
Maybe this is one area where it's better to be in the 3rd world, where guys probably scratch their itchy balls whenever they freakin' like. Living in an uptight first world mean we must scratch our balls with this silver plated ballscratcher which I would have mistaken for a spoon if it didn't say "Ballscratcher" on the box. Scratch balls discretely, yours or another's, with this.
I loved Dr. Seuss as a kid and want to let everyone know I'm awesome.
The first thing I thought of when someone said "Dr. Seuss art" is taxidermy. Consequently, part art and part taxidermy equals 100% awesome, and that's what you would be if you owned one of these. It costs an arm and a leg, but boy would you have a nice discussion piece if you had this hanging up over your mantle.
from Art of Dr. Seuss
I've decrusted my sandwich nicely with the decruster, but freakin' Steve keeps stealing my sandwich at work because it looks so delicious.
Stealing another person's lunch at work should be a crime punishable by death. Especially if it's a beautifully decrusted sandwich. While Obama is working on getting that law passed, stop potential lunch thefts by applying a little sandwich bag trickery.
I fell asleep in Chem class. Now my neck hurts.
Show your professor his class is boring by strapping on the Arm Pillo. Stick it to the airline and show them that they can't keep you awake with their tortuous seats by strapping on the Arm Pillo and punching the CEO in the face. Let your friend know her car conversations are boring by strapping on the Arm Pillo to the seat belt and falling asleep. Am I missing anything?
I uh spilled coffee on my pants and have to walk around all day with a stain.
Let's not lie. You crapped your pants and half the day has gone by with people giving you dirty looks. Your underwear has crusted over and the grease from the bacon in your pockets has been dripping down your leg and into your shoe the entire day. It's time to clean up for god's sake. Good thing you have Emergency Underpants.
My pockets get greasy because I keep strips of bacon in them for when I get a craving.
We're not saying you shouldn't keep bacon in your pockets, but if you're craving bacon all day long, why not try bacon toothpaste? Yes it does exist, no you're not dreaming. Recommended use of Bacon Flavored Toothpaste is to rub it all over your teeth and gums. If you're feeling frisky, try Cupcake Favored Toothpaste.
I wish I could go to work in my pajamas.
This has been the dream of men around the world. To get out of bed and go straight to work without changing pants, and to lounge around work in enviable comfortableness while making fun of Steve in his wool suit. The geniuses at Betabrand have started a new fashion revolution with these, and hell they look better than my real dress pants.
from Betabrand
I think I have mild OCD and everything has to be in line or else I get a little murder-y.
OCD the new asperger's didn't you know? It's the new trendy disorder to have. Better jump on the bandwagon before all those hipster kids make it uncool again. You can start off with this OCD Cutting Board.draoB gnittuC DCO siht htiw ffo trats nac uoY 123 123 123 knock knock knock
I already have the Lighted Slippers, but I'm scared of ghosts and need more light for when I go for a midnight snack.
You're in luck because Boon Glo's Nightlight doubles as a weapon as you chuck it at the ghost of Larry King staring at you in the mirror while you pee. It comes in multiple colors, have no electronic parts in them, and don't get warm. Check it out!
The ice melts too fast when I drink whiskey on the rocks, leaving me with watery whiskey.
You're already better than your friends because you drink whiskey and they drink Mike's Hard Lemonade. Now drink whiskey like a boss in front of them with this special glass. It's shaped to let the ball of ice (mold included) roll around the glass, chilling your drink faster with slower melting ice.
from Home Wet Bar
I'm craving some bacon but I'm too lazy to get off my ass to make some.
Whoa whoa whoa, stop right there. Don't waste energy. Have this bacon frosting! Just tilt your head back and squeeze it all into your mouth, big boy. Delicious isn't it? Use it as body soap and lotion as well and smell of bacon all day. Getting hungry? Give your skin a lick to tide you over 'till you can get back to your BACON FROSTING.
I got too drunk because I didn't have a wine glass and used a pitcher instead.
This fun glass is printed with measurements for various alcoholic drinks. Want beer? Just fill it up to one of the marks for "beer" and remind yourself not to get so drunk you make out with your pet hamster.
My fingers get stiff and ache after 8 hours of pwning 8 year olds in BF3.
Strap on this baby between intense gaming sessions to give your hands and fingers a much needed stretch. The Xtensor also makes your reaction time faster while relieving cramps. And its an effective treatment for tennis elbow and arthritis!
