Remember back when you were just a wee little lad; when you had no responsibilities and the three things on your todo list for the day were: find worms, eat worms, and play with Steve from across the street?...(read more)
Look at the picture above you. Look at that beautiful glistening bacon grease. Look at that chewy rubbery bacon fat. Look at that crispity crisp bacon edge. If this doesn’t make your mouth water, then you might as well become a...(read more)
Every passing day brings us closer and closer to the 2012 Apocalypse as predicted by the Mayan who carved ‘December 21st, 2012′ and then quit his job because he was sick of it and wanted to be a DJ....(read more)
Even though I can send out tweets and surf the internet with my fridge, it's still the plainest looking thing in my kitchen!
Fridge technology has advanced throughout the years, but the plain old white or gray design has continued to haunt our kitchens! Kudu Fridge Magnets are here to change that! These aren't your mother's magnets, they're giant ones that cover your entire fridge.
from Kudu Magnets
That son of a bitch fly just landed on my freshly made tiramisu cake! Now I have to throw the whole thing away...
Look at that fly zipping around like he owns the place. Taunting you at every swipe you take and now you're out of breath because eating cake everyday is unhealthy for you. It's time to go terminator on Mr. Fly and bust a salt cap in his ass with your BUG-A-SALT!
from Bugasalt
I was eating saltines with rare Russian caviar while watching the latest torrented episode of Breaking Bad. Now there is an audible crunch whenever I press the letters "E," "R," and "L."
Research shows that our hands are dirtier than something real dirty, so who knows what's growing inside the depths of our keyboards. Logitech's Washable Keyboard is a must have for parents with teenage sons and everyone else.
from Amazon
My body deserves the organiest of the organic ingredients available. Who is this Morton and why should I trust him?
You grew this apple in your own backyard you say? Well this venison was salted with my own fury when I killed the deer with my bare hands. Then seasoned with my sadness as I realized what I've done. How you like them apples?
from Monster Supplies
I have too many pairs of shoes but no more shelf space to store them.
Don't stop your financially crippling addiction of shoe shopping just because you have no more storage space. Don't be like that idiot Steve who wears the same pair of disgusting shoes every day. These foldable shoes lets you carry around different pairs easily so you can change styles throughout the day like the superstar you are.
from Amazon.com
My neck's sore from watching my 50 inch LCD in bed.
As if your 1000 thread Egyptian sheets on your king sized tempurpedic bed wasn't comfortable enough, this Massaging Bed Rest pretty much turns your bed into a comfortable lounge. Eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed while watching Toddlers and Tiaras and wondering what's wrong with the world. How ironic!
from Brookstone
I have to wait months for the next season of A Game of Thrones and I'm too lazy to read the books.
Who needs books when you can play a board game instead? Create your own story as surely it'll be better than George R.R. Martin's. Forge alliances or plan backstabbing betrayals as you control a house of Westeros and try to take over as much land as possible.
I let my beer sit too long and it's lost all its foamy goodness.
Wish you could always have beer that tastes like it just came straight out the tap, but don't want to pay 10 bucks for a pint? Check out this sweet mug that creates the perfectly poured beer every single time. Pour about half a mugs worth and hit the switch to create the perfect amount of foam. It's from Japan so of course there's a sweet video.
from Japan Trend Shop
My friends make fun of me for carrying pepper spray on my keychain.
Look out brass knuckles cause we got a new bad boy in town and he's packin' 950,000 volts. The Knuckle Blaster Stun wears like tradition brass knuckles, but packs a little surprise with each hit. Send attackers (or previously mentioned friends) into shock as you uppercut then in the balls and prance away like a little girl.
Shouting obscenities at co-worker Steve for fun turned out to be inappropriate at work.
Unfortunately, they've caught onto your 'I have Tourrettes' excuse you'd always use for your pent up aggression. You now carry this shouting vase everywhere and shout your string of obscenities into it instead. The shouting vase absorbs your screams and emits a softer verion through the whole at the base.
I spent months and hundreds of dollars last year on my Halloween costume and didn't even place in the costume contest.
As with everything else, solve your miseries with money and use other people's ingenuity to for your own personal selfish gain! For this particular problem, just get this Rorschach Mask and wow away the competition. The inkblots actually animate and are affected by your breath.
from RorschachMasks
They say fresh juice is healthier than store-bought, but I'm too lazy to do it.
Straight from the land of innovation, Gurefuru Chuchu acts as a super simple to use juicer while being super cute at the same time. Just cut a hole, stick Gurefuru Chuchu in, turn the handle around a bit, and bam - fresh juice. If you're still not convinced you need this, then I dare you to not watch this video.
I left the syrup on the pancakes for too long and now they're all soggy.
There are very few things in the world more disgusting than soggy pancakes. The stuff they eat on Fear Factor, for one. The pancake plate solves this first world problem. It's elevated on one side so the syrup drips into a reservoir keeping your pancake nice and dry. May we suggest Bacon Syrup to go with that?
from UncommonGoods
My first world life is nice and comfortable, but sometimes I wish it were more exciting. Maybe I'll get a dog!
How many hours have you spent planning the perfect scenario in case of a zombie outbreak? You've read The Zombie Survival Guide and World War Z so it's time for the real thing. The 5k Zombie Run is probably the closest you're going to get. Get off your sofa run for your life!
from Run For Your Lives
Whilst intoxicated, I wandered into a dark corridor and was met with a man whose motives were questionable. Needless to say I feared for my life.
If I had a dollar for every time a would-be robber asked for my belt and I could have quickly pulled out a knife, I'd have zero dollars. But, this belt buckle knife still is an awesome idea to fend off potential attackers. Nothing is scarier than a man with a belt buckle knife and pants on the floor.
from Bowen Knife
I like listening to NWA's Straight Outta Compton while falling asleep. My wife doesn't.
Ever try falling asleep with Grado headphones on? I did and I woke up with cauliflower ears! SleepPhones solves the first world problem for those of us who enjoy listening to music while dozing off. The fleece headband contains thin removable speakers so you can jam out to the Biebs before knocking out.
A homeless man heard my pockets jingling after I told him I didn't have change. It was my keys.
We live in a modern world. There's no reason we should be keeping keys that access our expensive belongings on a flimsy metal rings that was probably invented 5,000 years ago. The Keyport consolidates up to 6 keys in a modern & sleek design. It even comes with a USB, LED, and bottle opener.
from Keyport
I washed my pants with my iPhone still in the pocket. Now I have to use an old phone like some unsophisticated barbarian.
Isn't it embarrassing to receive a call and have to pull out a Nokia 3310 while waiting on your new iPhone? Liquipel is a waterproof coating that protects your device in accidental exposures to water. It works well enough that phones work even after being completely submerged in water!
from Liquipel
I drank too much juice before bed and had to wake up in the middle of the night to go potty.
Okay, before you think I'm totally insane, hear me out first. Do you enjoy getting up at 3:00 AM to pee? No? Wouldn't you rather just pee in the bed? Yes? Then I present to you the bedside urinal system. Logic and First World Living prevails once again.
My manly Ron Swanson mustache gets whipped cream in it when I drink my latte.
This isn't one of those silly mugs with a mustache print on it. This mug is for real hard mofos with real mustaches. The mustache shaped guard protects your manstache from getting soiled by whatever you're drinking. For classy soup connoisseurs, check out this mustache protecting spoon.
from Etsy
My wife's blamed me for losing the keys to the Land Rover when she knows I took the Hummer to work this morning.
Never lose or mix up your keys again while taking out your aggression by figuratively shoving your keys up your significant other's...nevermind. This unique couple's key holder comes with a key for each gender that you keep in your key ring. The keys then fits into the male or female forms.
First world living makes life easy but sometimes boring. I wish I could live in a fantasy world.
After a discussion with your friends about which fictional world you would live in, you go home and cry yourself to sleep because you know it'll never happen. You can at least pretend to be a wizard with this remote control wand. Change the channel with a flick or turn down the volume with a twist. Yer a wizard 'Arry!
I used a new bottle of $600 bottle of cologne, but didn't get any compliments.
Sex Panther Cologne, son. We're lucky enough to live in an age where we can buy fake products in movies we've paid to watch! Consumerism at its finest! Apply it to any exposed skin and pour a generous amount down the front of pants. Then scream "60% of the time, it works every time," so we all know you've seen the movie.
Mob Wives has come on. I can't find the remote and I'm too lazy to get up to change the channel. I've sat through 6 episodes so far...
Most of the time we don't know where the remote is, but when was the last time you lost a big brown pillow? The obvious next step in this evolutionary process is to combine the two. This pillow remote control is the result of decades of pillow-remote mating and ain't it beautiful sight.
Should I ask my girlfriend to marry me? I can't make up my mind!
Ask the cat. What? Ask the cat in the box. That's right, Schrödinger's Cat Decision Maker will answer that question for you by either being dead or alive (we're assuming dead = no and alive = yes, but perhaps the opposite for your engagement question). Ask it a question and the cat will flash between dead and alive.
from ThinkGeek
My little doggy is gay and I'd like to support him.
Proudly show your support for gay doggy rights and get him this cute biker costume. Then take him to the park and use his now doubly magical gay powers to pick up girls for your own benefit. There's nothing more first world than dressing up your pets! For another cool one, check out this Big Bad Wolf costume.
I like to do as many things possible laying down on my sofa or bed. I can watch TV and eat, but I have to get up to use the computer.
Spend more time in bed with this portable laptop bed tray. It's adjustable to a complete 360 degrees to fit to any body position you're in. We imagine iPads, tablets, food and drinks could also be placed on this so that's a big bonus!
I can drink beer whilst taking a shower with the Tub Mug, but what about when I take a bath?
Is a relaxing chai scented bubbly bubble bath not exciting enough for you? Feel the need to be eating a grilled cheese sandwich and sip on some wine while laying in 100 gallons of warm soothing water? Then check out Umbra's Bathtub Caddy, a foldable unit with areas for a book/Kindle/iPad and drinks.
It's only 9:00AM at work, the bacon toothpaste taste is gone, the microwave is broken, I'm out of bacon jerky and ate my backup bacon I keep in my pockets. How will I get through the day?
You could lick the bacon grease that's dripped down your leg from your back pocket like a crack fiend, or you can bust out your binoculars you've filled with bacon flavored vodka just for emergencies like this.
from Liquorama
I make such elaborate meals, I have nowhere to put all my cookie utensils when cooking. I have the Pot Clip, but that only holds one thing.
Put your utensils wherever you feel like with this Elevated Utensil Set. Don't worry about getting nasty hair and nail clippings stuck to your ladle if you lay it down on your countertop with this colorful set. And stop clipping your toenails in the kitchen, they're getting into the soup!
I'm addicted to one of those stupid Zynga games and can't stop thinking about it.
Why not play real life Zynga Fish HotelVille? Spend your hard earned money to add more fish hotel stories with this modular fish aquarium. Get enough levels and start renting out rooms to other fish. Whether you want to be a benevolent landlord or a slum lord that kills baby fish if they don't pay rent, that's up to you.
I forgot which level I parked on and spent 30 minutes walking around looking for my car.
Was it level 3? Or 4? I think it was the one with the pink signs. Never have to deal with forgotten parking spots or backtracking again with this super easy to use Bushnell GPS BackTrack Personal Locator. It only has 2 buttons, one for marking a location, and the other to select and display the direction and distance back.
I forgot to pay my satellite TV bill and now I'm stuck with only 30 channels.
Never forget another payment to the companies that own our lives while classing it up at the same time with this handmade Wine Cork Bulletin Board. Pin up important documents, letters, bills, lists, keys, etc, while showing family and friends you know a lot about wine (you don't).
My skinny jeans pockets are too tight to fit both my iPhone and wallet full of cash.
The obvious solution would be to take out all the cash and put your iPhone in your wallet where the cash was once, right? No? Or you can combine your iPhone and your wallet into one seamless object synonymous with first world life. That sounds better. BookBook's iPhone & Wallet Case combo does just that.
Messenger bags are in. So is being geeky. But, I don't want to seem like a poser by jumping on the bandwagon.
Show everyone you mean business by getting one of these cartoon-styled bags. Jeez they really look cartoony. Get compliments from all the cool hipsters riding by on their unicycles and maybe get into a conversation about Zelda...or whatever.
from Jump from Paper
I finished a box of donuts and want more, but I'm too embarrassed to show my face at Krispy Kreme twice in the same day.
Shame and embarrassment keeps us from doing some things we want to do. Sometimes it's for the better, but in this case it means no second box of donuts for you. Sad Face :(. Fortunately, money solves everything and you can just make donuts at home with the Sunbeam Donut Maker!
The Camping Card was a huge hit with my friends when we camped in my backyard. Now I need a more heavy duty set for public park camping.
Show you friends you mean business with this Everyday Carry Multi-Tool Kit. These small multiuse tools attaches to your keychain so they are always with you. Each tool is super durable and it comes with a pry bar, screwdriver key, waterproof lighter, and tweezers.
from Kaufmann Merc.
I've been working out and want to tell all my friends, but I don't want to brag.
Let Fitbit do all the bragging for you. "Yeah I ran 5 miles today. This thing I have tracks and uploads all my activity online so people can see. It's so embarrassing! I don't want everyone to know!" Fitbit Wireless Activity & Sleep Tracker will track steps, distance, and stairs with its 3d accelerometer. It also tracks how well you sleep!
My life is so exciting I wish someone like Morgan Freeman could narrate it.
We can't get Morgan Freeman, but we'll do you one better: Stephen Fry. And he'll just be waking you up but it's better than nothing! Instead of waking up to screeching and buzzing, wake up gently to Fry's soothing English voice. It comes with 130 different sayings AND one to put you to sleep.
I wish I could go to work in my pajamas.
This has been the dream of men around the world. To get out of bed and go straight to work without changing pants, and to lounge around work in enviable comfortableness while making fun of Steve in his wool suit. The geniuses at Betabrand have started a new fashion revolution with these, and hell they look better than my real dress pants.
from Betabrand
My anxiety medication doesn't work for my dog.
Does your dog poo on the floor and then eat it whenever something scares him/her? No? Then how about shake and shiver uncontrollably and then hide in the bushes? Yeah? Then you need the Thundershirt Dog Anxiety Treatment Wrap. Anxiety sucks, for humans and dogs. This shirt helps relieve fear, anxiety, and stress with a high success rate.
I already have the Lighted Slippers, but I'm scared of ghosts and need more light for when I go for a midnight snack.
You're in luck because Boon Glo's Nightlight doubles as a weapon as you chuck it at the ghost of Larry King staring at you in the mirror while you pee. It comes in multiple colors, have no electronic parts in them, and don't get warm. Check it out!
I was eating chocolate cake while making spaghetti and totally forgot it was boiling and now have water all over the stove.
Next time stick this thing onto the top of your pot, turn the fire on high, go watch a movie and come back to a spill-free stove-top thanks to Kuhn Rikon's Large Spill Stop Lid. It comes in three different colors and we think it'll look pretty cool as a hat too.
from Sur la table
I lost my bottle opener and can't open my bottle and my hand hurts if I do it by hand.
Since you now have the Fridge Monkey, you need something open all those pretty bottles, right? Forget clunky bottle openers that get lost in the drawer void. This magnet just upgraded your fridge with the "Open Bottle" ability. Fridge, I choose you!
from Charles&Marie
I haven't changed the batteries in the smoke detector for years, but I'm too lazy to check it.
I bet you'd pay more attention if your smoke detector was now a bird. Maybe you'd feed it and pet it. Maybe you'll even change its batteries every once in awhile. Hey, they're serious business and may save your life one day. This one is stylish and effective, with a 1.5 year battery life and 85db alarm signal.
Now that I use f.lux, my eyes don't hurt when staring at my monitor at night, but I can't see my keyboard too well.
Mantis is a pretty sweet looking clip-on LED light that runs on batteries (30 hours). It clips on wherever to wherever you need it to and it also transforms into a light stand for when you need it by itself.
from Quirky
I couldn't find my tumeric spice and now my homemade curry tastes like crap.
Wars were fought and continents were discovered in the name of spices. Now, you can have them right at your fingertips. Never lose those tiny spice bottles again with this magnetic spice rack. It looks cool while saving you counter space.
No matter how many pairs of wool socks I wear, my feet always still cold.
Cold feet suck. It sucks even more when the rest of your body is nice and toasty, but your feet is a frigid block of...feet. These heated slippers come with an insert you pop into the microwave, then into the slippers. It then slowly transfers the heat to your feet while releasing a nice blended scent (not of your feet). How luxurious is that!?
from Vat19
My fingers get stiff and ache after 8 hours of pwning 8 year olds in BF3.
Strap on this baby between intense gaming sessions to give your hands and fingers a much needed stretch. The Xtensor also makes your reaction time faster while relieving cramps. And its an effective treatment for tennis elbow and arthritis!
I'm late for a full day of classes and forgot to brew a new pot of coffee. FML
These days, we want everything better, faster, stronger, smarter. Well, the AeroPress Coffee will punch you in the face with burning hot coffee if you let it. But really, it just makes really good coffee and espressos really really fast. How fast? How about 1 minute for delicious fresh coffee? Fast enough for ya?
