Remember back when you were just a wee little lad; when you had no responsibilities and the three things on your todo list for the day were: find worms, eat worms, and play with Steve from across the street?...(read more)
Look at the picture above you. Look at that beautiful glistening bacon grease. Look at that chewy rubbery bacon fat. Look at that crispity crisp bacon edge. If this doesn’t make your mouth water, then you might as well become a...(read more)
Every passing day brings us closer and closer to the 2012 Apocalypse as predicted by the Mayan who carved ‘December 21st, 2012′ and then quit his job because he was sick of it and wanted to be a DJ....(read more)
My buddies and I went hunting and they all killed something for mounting except me.
Bear and tiger head mounts are for wimps. If I'm going to have a trophy, it's going to be of a real mother effin dead person. Talk about of discussion starter! Buy it for only 100 grand and start thinking of a cool story of how you kidnapped and put him on a remote island and started hunting him like game.
from Plastination Prod.
So apparently green rug and brown walls with movie posters taped up with scotch tape makes people puke as they enter my home.
You've made a huge mistake so next time just go with a prefabricated and furnished home by Ideabox and IKEA. Doesn't everyone think everything in IKEA would look good in their own home anyways? Might as well just have them furnish it.
from Ideabox
Playing World of Warcraft for 20 hours straight kinda makes my back hurt.
What are these things called chairs and desks? Why are we still using them? A flat piece of wood you sit on, then another piece of wood you put stuff on...how primitive. It's time get with the times with... the *explosions* Emperor Workstation! Pretend you're in the matrix while playing Words with Friends on Facebook!
from mwelab
I've been watching reruns of Pimp My Ride and now want something inside the same larger thing.
How about a tiny house inside your house? The guys at Tumbleweed Tiny House Company sell ready made, kits, or plans of houses small enough that you don't need a permit to build. Use it as your bedroom or mancave or secret hideout in the woods where you kidnap and murder people or whatever.
from Tumbleweed
I get the urge to climb up a slippery wall whenever I go swimming.
You already can play pool in a pool, so why not go rock climbing at the same time also? AquaClimb can be attached to any poolside and includes handles that can be rotated 90 degrees to increase difficulty. Perfect for young children, especially under the age of 5.
from Opulent Items
You know, sometimes I just want to play pool in a pool, but even I know that is stupid.
Yo, we got you here at First World Living. We heard you liked playing pool in a pool so we put a pool table in a pool so you can play pool in the pool son! It's waterproof obviously and pretty silly.
I was so focused on the video game I forgot to drink my beer. Now it's all warm.
Count this as your newest addition to your theoretical man-cave. This classic looking gaming cabinet hides an ace up it's coin slot by having built in beer tap. Never have to worry about dehydration from intense gaming session as the draft system is just an arms-reach away.
from Arkeg
I like to ride my vespa around everywhere, but people make fun of me cause it looks dorky.
Walking sucks and vespas make you look like a mall cop. Trade it in for this sweet looking all electric scooter. It gets whopping 40 miles on one charge and charges through a regular outlet. Taking it out on the streets gets you up to 35MPH or just zip around in your palace like a boss.
from Boxx Corp
I ate a huge dinner and now I'm too sleepy to walk my dog.
See, what you do is get one of these Fit Fur Life Treadmills, put it in front of your 90inch LCD TV, turn on the nature channel, put your dog on the treadmill, and crank it up to a nice jogging pace. Your pet won't know the difference and will have the time of its life while you lay down and become one with the sofa.
from Fit Fur Life
Walking down Wall St. is getting a bit hairy. These OWS kids are starting to get a little rowdy and I fear for my safety.
If you really don't deserve to be shot in the face, then check this out. Miguel Caballero makes fashionable and discreet bulletproof clothing out of Columbia. Some clients include Kings, Presidents, and Steven Seagal so you know you'll be in good hands with this polo shirt.
from Fresh Polos
My friend had a chocolate fountain for the Super Bowl party this year. I'm hosting it next year and there's no way I can beat a chocolate fountain.
Chocolate fountains are great and very few things can beat it at a party. One thing that can, though, is homemade beer. Impress the shit out of your friends and family with "Steve's Micro Brew" from the far-away lands of Steve's basement and featuring Steve's special sauce.
from Etsy
My laptop screen is too small to play Starcraft and watch Jersey Shore at the same time.
That sounds like a real situation you got right there. Fortunately, the creators of the Spacebook Dual 17inch LCD Laptop had you in mind when they were building it. Now, imagine showing up in a Starbucks with this badass and playing Microsoft Pinball while the hipsters rage on their 9in Macbook Pros.
from GScreenLaptop
I loved Dr. Seuss as a kid and want to let everyone know I'm awesome.
The first thing I thought of when someone said "Dr. Seuss art" is taxidermy. Consequently, part art and part taxidermy equals 100% awesome, and that's what you would be if you owned one of these. It costs an arm and a leg, but boy would you have a nice discussion piece if you had this hanging up over your mantle.
from Art of Dr. Seuss
The apocalypse is coming this year. How am I suppose to live a first world life with the world blowing up?
While people are digging through the dirt looking for bugs to eat, you'll be living like a king in your underground bunker with Shelf Reliance's 1 year food supply (for 1 person). It has a shelf life of 25 years and provides a whopping 4,866 servings. Or trade a can of peas for an Apocalyptic manicure.
from Costco
One side of my body gets more water pressure than the other side so only half of my body feels clean when I get out of the shower.
This tentacle-resembling shower head from Vado looks intimidating but enticing at the same time. What to do, what to do... with all SIX snaking shower heads? Perhaps one for each limb and the last one for the head. Or you can shower with five other people.
from ShowerMania
The neighborhood homeless man tried to talk to me. Now I have to take a different route to work.
The world is a scary place and you've heard the saying that people are inherently evil. Protect the all your credit cards and cash from that homeless man that asked you for some change, for he might one day rob you. This biometric wallet is virtually indestructible and only opens to your fingerprint. For a less expensive one.
from Dunhill
I have ADD and can't stick with a book to read.
This bookcase chair or chair bookcase will satisfy you ADD tendencies and indecisiveness by having all your books always within arm's reach. The actual chair's angle is adjustable for different tasks and has three areas for book storage. Be the commander of your book club with this awesome chair.
from Yanko Design
It takes me 10 minutes to walk from the Starbucks to my office, but only 6 minutes to finish my drink.
Motorized rollerskates? Who woulda thunk it. It seems we've leapfrogged the whole flying cars thing and at least one thing from those crazy 1920s predict the future articles has come true. They see you rollin', but you've zipped by too fast to hear them hatin'.
from spnKIX
It's a quiet Friday night and I'm home alone with only a vacuum. I want to use it, but it doesn't suck hard enough to do anything.
It's time to upgrade to the newest and baddest, buddy. Dyson's brand new DC41 Animal Vacuum will suck the crap out of anything it touches. Its ball technology allows easy movement and turning for wherever you and your vacuum want to go to be alone.
from Amazon.com
I want an aquarium, but I don't have enough room in the house for it.
Good news! Your coffee table is now an aquarium! "But, where's my coffee table gone?" you ask. Ah, that's the crazy part, my friend. The aquarium IS the coffee table! But how?! MAGIC!
from Appliances Con.
Apple hasn't released a new product yet this year so I can't show how technologically savvy I am.
It's time to get your consumerism on cause the "New" iPad is coming. No longer continuing with the tradition numbering scheme, you can immediately see the differences with the "New" iPad. It's white or black with a screen and a button...but the biggest improvement is it comes with 20% less suicides!
from Apple
I have a romantic date tonight, but I don't have a fireplace to sip wine in front of like in the movies.
First world living means combining one of the most primitive technologies with the most modern. The Ponton Fireplace lets your bring one of nature's most powerful elements wherever you want. It burns completely safe bio-alcohol fuel that lasts 1.5-2.5 hours. For a more affordable but equally cool one, check out this one.
from Charles&Marie
I forgot to pack my $500 Armani sweatpants and left them in the hotel room.
You've lost over $10,000 worth of items by forgetting them in hotels and you're starting to think maybe the affair isn't worth it anymore. We're here to stop you from thinking such silly thoughts. Never unpack again with this luggage. Hang it up and it unfolds with all your stuff neatly inside. Also makes for a fast getaway if need be.
from Hammacher
I have Heated Slippers and a Heated Mattress Pad, but the room itself is still too frigid.
From the hater of all things with blades, techno wizard inventor billionaire, Sir James Dyson, is this fan-less heater. It heats the room faster than its competitors and projects heat further out. Its also safe with no visible heating elements. Use it without the heat as a blade-less fan too!
I've finished my bottle of beer and there's 10 more minutes until the next commercial break.
Sure you could buy a mini-fridge and place it next to the couch, but that's crude and bad fing shu (it's the new fung shui). Man Tables, as they're called, disguise a refrigerating unit in a high quality crafted table. It comes in three different finishes and we think they're great for you fine ladies too.
from Man Tables
My boarding gate was too far and I almost missed my flight to the Bahamas.
People are already boarding and you're still buying your duty free cartons of cigarettes. But, you're not worried at all because you have the Samsonite Micro Luggage with attached scooter. You stuff your crap into the carry-on-able luggage and scoot on down to the gate, not forgetting to hit the "human conveyor belt" for super-speed.
My iPhone is about 100x better than my nav system, but there's no room for both of them.
We've all tried those pesky FM transmitters or AUX cables and charging docks that leave your console a tangled mess. Get rid of it all with this device that's been a long time coming. Dash fits into the stereo console and provides charging, radio, smartphone capabilities, interchangeable faceplates, and much more.
from Kickstarter
Sometimes I daydream about being James Bond and having all his cool gadgets.
Step 1 to becoming a super spy: get WiFi hotspot capable cufflinks with 2GB USB storage so you can check Facebook wherever you are. Step 2: there is no step two because you're now a man with WiFi with storage cufflinks. Now get ready to go kick some ass and get some international model babes.
from Brookstone
My new winter coat only came with 2 pockets. What gives?
I'm sorry to break the news to you, but you've made a huge mistake. Better return that limp noddle of a jacket cause SeV Revolution Plus just kicked down your door and is strangling your mother. Key features include the iPadPocket, Handwarmer Pocket, controlling iPhones/iPad through the cloth, all within the NoBuldge design.
I have to reach all the way to the table to grab my cup of Panda Poop Tea and sometimes I spill it onto my clothes.
Check this out. Hangs right onto the arm of your sofa so everything is in reach. Your Panda Poop Tea, magazines, newspapers, put your TV remote on the side and never have to look for it again.
from Vanpey
My friends think I'm uncultured because I don't have artwork hanging in my house.
Slap your friends in the face by getting one of these super cool personalized waveform art pieces. Send them a sound file and they'll take the waveform to create a unique design printed on a high quality canvas. Now your friends will be in awe of the giant "PENIS" on the wall.
from VaporSky
I'm laying down on the couch and can't reach the shrimp cocktail so I have to sit up.
With the Sofa Hanger and this Magnussen Wood Lift Top Table, you'll probably never have to move from the couch again. The top lifts up and comes to you instead of you having to bend across to reach something. Almost like having a robot servant table!
I have to wait 5 minutes for water to boil for my "instant" ramen.
It kind of defeats the purpose of instant ramen if you have to boil or microwave water, right? You must have not read the directions on the ramen pack. The part that says you need to have the Zojirushi Water Boiler for instant hot water in order to have instant ramen. Duh! It keeps piping hot (up to 208F) water right at your fingertips.
I didn't get any compliments on my new watch.
Everybody has Rolexes these days, but who has a watch from mother effin Tron? This watch, technically called the Kisai 7 LED Watch, has two pulsating LED rings; one for the hour and the other for minutes. It reads like a conventional watch so you don't look stupid when someone asks you for the time and comes in blue or white colored LEDs.
from TokyoFlash
I've been peer-pressured into going camping but haven't watched any of my DVRed Man vs. Wild.
You've heard the saying: 'I feel naked without my phone.' Well you're gonna be feeling naked with doo-doo all over your butt when you're out in the dark, dangerous wild when your iPhone runs out of juice. BioLite's Campstove burns off twigs instead of fuel and converts heat in electric energy so you can charge your devices.
from BioLite
Biotechnology isn't advanced enough for me to realistically hope for a zombie outbreak.
Let's face it, everyone deep down wishes there was a zombie outbreak. Maybe just a tiny one so you can get to smash zombie co-worker Steve and be office hero. If you fantasize about this at least once a day and live in the UK, check out the Zombie Manor House. Play out your objectives in a zombie infested mansion!
from Wish
The fluorescent lights didn't set the right mood when my sexy date came back to my place.
If the 15,999,999 color ambiance lamp didn't have enough colors for you, you're in luck because we just found one with 16,000,000 colors! A color for any occasion or a spontaneous dance party while you pretend you're a light DJ using its remote control. It can even cycle through colors for a cool light show.
I want to show my friends a video of a fat squirrel stuck in a bird feeder, but my iPhone screen is too small for everyone to see.
Be the life of the party with this Pico Projector. It not only works with iPods/iPhones/etc, but also with digital cameras, portable DVD players, and more. Imagine showing up to a party and busting this out and showing everyone your favorite cat vid. The ladies will be on you in no time!
Even though I can send out tweets and surf the internet with my fridge, it's still the plainest looking thing in my kitchen!
Fridge technology has advanced throughout the years, but the plain old white or gray design has continued to haunt our kitchens! Kudu Fridge Magnets are here to change that! These aren't your mother's magnets, they're giant ones that cover your entire fridge.
from Kudu Magnets
My neck's sore from watching my 50 inch LCD in bed.
As if your 1000 thread Egyptian sheets on your king sized tempurpedic bed wasn't comfortable enough, this Massaging Bed Rest pretty much turns your bed into a comfortable lounge. Eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed while watching Toddlers and Tiaras and wondering what's wrong with the world. How ironic!
I've been working out and want to tell all my friends, but I don't want to brag.
Let Fitbit do all the bragging for you. "Yeah I ran 5 miles today. This thing I have tracks and uploads all my activity online so people can see. It's so embarrassing! I don't want everyone to know!" Fitbit Wireless Activity & Sleep Tracker will track steps, distance, and stairs with its 3d accelerometer. It also tracks how well you sleep!
It takes me an extra 10 minutes to fall asleep at night because I'm worrying if my dad has passed down his erectile dysfunction to me.
23andMe won't exactly answer that for you but they might give you a better idea. What they do is genetic testing for health and diseases. You send them a sample of your DNA using their kit and in 6-8 weeks, receive personal genetic information about your DNA. Pretty cool!
from 23andme.com
I wish I could go to work in my pajamas.
This has been the dream of men around the world. To get out of bed and go straight to work without changing pants, and to lounge around work in enviable comfortableness while making fun of Steve in his wool suit. The geniuses at Betabrand have started a new fashion revolution with these, and hell they look better than my real dress pants.
from Betabrand
First world living makes life easy but sometimes boring. I wish I could live in a fantasy world.
After a discussion with your friends about which fictional world you would live in, you go home and cry yourself to sleep because you know it'll never happen. You can at least pretend to be a wizard with this remote control wand. Change the channel with a flick or turn down the volume with a twist. Yer a wizard 'Arry!
Shouting obscenities at co-worker Steve for fun turned out to be inappropriate at work.
Unfortunately, they've caught onto your 'I have Tourrettes' excuse you'd always use for your pent up aggression. You now carry this shouting vase everywhere and shout your string of obscenities into it instead. The shouting vase absorbs your screams and emits a softer verion through the whole at the base.
from Japan Trend Shop
My first world life is nice and comfortable, but sometimes I wish it were more exciting. Maybe I'll get a dog!
How many hours have you spent planning the perfect scenario in case of a zombie outbreak? You've read The Zombie Survival Guide and World War Z so it's time for the real thing. The 5k Zombie Run is probably the closest you're going to get. Get off your sofa run for your life!
from Run For Your Lives
Messenger bags are in. So is being geeky. But, I don't want to seem like a poser by jumping on the bandwagon.
Show everyone you mean business by getting one of these cartoon-styled bags. Jeez they really look cartoony. Get compliments from all the cool hipsters riding by on their unicycles and maybe get into a conversation about Zelda...or whatever.
from Jump from Paper
While I can use the Heated Mattress Pad during the Winter, sleeping ends up uncomfortably hot and sticky during Summer.
This super quiet fan blows cool air between the top and bottom sheets, instantly cooling your whiny face down...and your body too. It comes with a small remote that adjusts the fan's speed.
My life is so exciting I wish someone like Morgan Freeman could narrate it.
We can't get Morgan Freeman, but we'll do you one better: Stephen Fry. And he'll just be waking you up but it's better than nothing! Instead of waking up to screeching and buzzing, wake up gently to Fry's soothing English voice. It comes with 130 different sayings AND one to put you to sleep.
from ThinkGeek
I went to the club and didn't get someone to come home with me. I'm so lonely, no one likes me and I just want to cuddle.
Well now here's a huge pillow shaped like a freakin' U for you to cuddle and hug and kiss...wait what? Potentially the best thing since the flesh*****(your secret is safe) for forever aloners and I guess it's pretty good for pregnant ladies too.
