Remember back when you were just a wee little lad; when you had no responsibilities and the three things on your todo list for the day were: find worms, eat worms, and play with Steve from across the street?...(read more)
Look at the picture above you. Look at that beautiful glistening bacon grease. Look at that chewy rubbery bacon fat. Look at that crispity crisp bacon edge. If this doesn’t make your mouth water, then you might as well become a...(read more)
Every passing day brings us closer and closer to the 2012 Apocalypse as predicted by the Mayan who carved ‘December 21st, 2012′ and then quit his job because he was sick of it and wanted to be a DJ....(read more)
I have a dream that one day all men will be created equal...to that of Ron F***ing Swanson!
That dream is about to become one step closer to reality with the official Parks and Recreation Ron F***ing Swanson BBQ Sauce. Perfect to go with your Turf 'N' Turf or Ron Swanson Turkey Burger or just slather onto your mustache for a snack on the go.
from Amazon
I'm so ridiculously fabulous that my poor friends and family want to be around me all the time.
Not everyone can be as awesome as you. Less fortunate friends obviously want to be close to you to feel better about themselves and have a sense of belonging. Tell your clingy friends, "Hey I know I'm pretty amazing, but I can't have you over all the time..." with this "oh Shit Not You Again" doormat.
from Amazon.com
I'm surrounded by bullshit all day from co-worker Steve to all the crap on TV.
It would be a much better world if everyone carried around this Bullshit Button and pressed it if the scent of bullshit penetrated the air. Let others know how you really feel about their stories and gossip. Or maybe send a few thousand boxes of these to Fox News HQ.
My girlfriend got mad at me when I responded to her "I love you" text message with "yea lolz."
In a society where men must maintain their manly image by refraining from uttering such phrases as "I love you" or "that's cute," they only way to express their feelings is through this super cute Magic Message Egg. Water the egg and it will soon sprout a sweet message for your loved one. *Cuddles and giggles*
Co-worker Steve hasn't given me a reason to physically assault him today.
Need a disguise? Well these could work...not really. Or you can just give it to co-worker Steve who will put it on and give you a reason to uppercut his nuts for looking like a d-bag. And you won't be reprimanded as it was passed by congress and signed by Obama that whoever wears these deserve a swift kick to the balls.
I ran out of blades so I had to use a rusty old one which gave me tetanus. I never got a tetanus vaccine because I don't have health insurance and can't get it treated because it'll cost too much. Now I'm going to die.
Sometimes it just doesn't feel like we live in a first world country! Fortunately, all that misfortune could have been avoided by joining the dollar shave club. Watch this video for details.
from Dollar Shave Club
My nutritionist tells me that a bloody mary is not a suitable replacement meal for dinner.
So that bakon vodka you're using for your bloody mary doesn't really have any protein and the tomato juice doesn't really count as a serving of fruit. To really make it a meal, you'll need these meat straws; as the popular life motto goes: "Get drunk, then eat the straw." Personally, I also enjoy milk and soda with these. Price is for 30.
I messed up my shaving my goatee and now I have a Hitler mustache. Worse is I think it looks pretty good on me.
The Hitler mustache may have bee inadvertent, but it doesn't help that you're goose stepping all around town at the same time. Avoid acquiring a taste for distasteful things by using this goatee shaving device. Just stick it in your mouth and have the perfect goatee in seconds.
I forgot to place my bookmark so now I have to start Atlas Shrugged from the beginning.
If someone said they'd reinvented the wheel, you'd call him crazy. If someone said they'd reinvented the bookmark, you'd burn them at the stake for witchcraft. Then you'd feel real guilty cause the Albatross Bookmark is worthy of the title. It follows your reading so you don't have to remember page numbers.
from Albatross
The TV remote still uses batteries so I have to go buy some like some technophobe from the 90s.
Why do disposable batteries still exist? It's bad for the environment and super expensive. But, if you're left with no choice, check out these USB rechargeable batteries. Super convenient and easy to use, just pop off the top and it becomes a USB device you can plug into your computer to recharge.
The gravy touched the rice so I had to throw away my entire dinner.
It's heartbreaking to throw away Foie Gras, but you have no choice since your food has been defiled. This food separator is technically used for portion control, but we live in America hahaha. This handy item keeps food items separated so your gravy doesn't soak your biscuit or your salad doesn't get into your grilled bald eagle.
The coffee was too hot and I burned my tongue. Now I can't eat or drink anything warm without excruciating pain.
We've all had this happen before. Sipping scalding hot lava coffee and having the fires of hell blast down on your tongue and roof of your mouth. It's surprising that a temperature checking apparatus is not built in with every mug, we're living in the first world for god's sake!
Remember back when you were just a wee little lad; when you had no responsibilities and the three things on your todo list for the day were: find worms, eat worms, and play with Steve from across the street? It’s depressing now to think about how you’ll never be as happy and carefree without using hard drugs as you were back when you were young. We now have Xboxes, PS3s, strip clubs, and Pinterest, but what about good ol’ fashion fun? The things we’d enjoy….
My maid refuses the pick up the peanut shells I throw on the floor because the trash can is too far away.
Instead of getting a new maid, try using this double dish by kitchen innovator, Joseph Joseph. The top dish is removable and when sitting on top of the bottom dish, provides three openings that hides shells or pits. Or you can use both as separate bowls and just eat more peanuts.
I've got an ungodly craving for some Tagalongs, but the Girl Scouts aren't allowed to sell to my house anymore.
How were you suppose to know it was the Girl Scouts when you answered the door naked? They can't come to you, but now you can go to them with this this Girl Scout Cookie Finder app. An app that finds cookies for you... Tell me this isn't First World Living at its finest.
from iTunes App Store
Co-worker Steve's done something stupid again, but I've already received a warning from HR for threatening physical harm against him.
If you need a more benign way of showing disapproval, disagreement, or dissatisfaction, then surely these glasses are for you. The next time Steve tells you keeping bacon in your pockets is disgusting, pop on these glasses and tell him he's going to regret say that.
from Etsy
I knocked my drink over my keyboard...AGAIN! FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!
Who seriously has never knocked over a drink and ruined important documents and expensive keyboards? It's happened to my countless times and now the syrup from that coke makes my 'S' key ssssssssstick. Keep the cup off the desk and safe from spills while creating more desk space with this handy Table Cup Holder Clip.
The ice cubes in my whiskey melted too quickly and now I have to drink watered down whiskey...bleh!
If you enjoy a little somethin' somethin' after a long day, check this out. They chill your favorite drink and bring out its flavor without watering it down. Pop in a few and after 5 minutes, enjoy your perfectly chilled whiskey. And after a few glasses, deal with family problems!
I was responding to a text and ran into a light post. Everyone laughed at me.
This is one of those simple but genius ideas that should come with every smartphone, but doesn't. Fortunately, there's an app for that called Type n Walk. Avoided running into acquaintances you don't want to talk to, stepping on dog doo doo, babies, puddles, and more with this handy app. And it's less than a dollar!
I cut my finger on the hard, sharp base trying to get out the last drop of toothpaste.
The rich don't stay rich by wasting. This includes toothpaste and other things that come in tubes, like bacon frosting. Squeezeit is a simple little thing that keeps your tubes nice and neat while squeezing out every last drop. We suppose you'll get your money's worth after only 4 or so years!
My shower temperature dials are so sensitive, it takes 5 minutes to get it just right.
Studies have shown that it takes a rocket scientist to calibrate dial temperatures correctly on the first try. That's why the government invested billions into the Temji. Invented by the same guy who invented the space shuttle (I think), Temji attaches onto your tap handles so you can dial in on the perfect temp every time.
from Dreamfarm
There's no more clean cups so I have to drink water with my hands like some Victorian beggar.
Get rid of that nasty cup you use to rinse out your mouth after brushing. It sits in the bathroom all day collecting microscopic doo doo particles. But, have a little more respect for yourself and don't take water from your hand like some uneducated monster. Tapi fits onto any tap. Squeeze the bottom and it becomes a fountain.
My mom blames the electricity bill increase on my second iPad and PS Vita.
Did you know that leaving electronic devices plugged in, but not in use, still draws power? Belkin's Conserve Socket solves this problem by allowing you to set a timer that automatically shuts off the power to save energy. It's also great for things like curling irons and heaters so you'll never have to worry about leaving them on.
I share a bathroom with roomates and have no room to keep my prescription shampoo and body wash in the tub.
I too had an argument with roomates about proper bath product tub space division. I lost and now live with my parents. Solve the little problems in life with this Mesh Pockets Shower Curtain. This along with the Moen curved shower rod, you could practically live in the bathroom!
The shape of my fried egg was smaller than my sandwich. I had to endure few bites that was only bread like some carnival orphan.
Make every bite full of free-range organic farmers market eggy deliciousness with Joie's Sandwich Egg Shaper. It's made of heat resistant silicone so you can just pop it on the pan, crack an egg, and bam, perfectly shaped egg for your sammich.
I watched some videos on my laptop and ...uh... accidentally made a mess on my keyboard.
Wherever you decide to make your mess, from doorknobs and walls to hotel remote controls, Cyber Clean's cleaning compound (say that 10 times fast) will clean that sucker up lickety split. The patented high-tech cleaning compound is effective at removing 99.99% of harmful particles. Which leaves the question WTF is in that 0.01%?
Look at the picture above you. Look at that beautiful glistening bacon grease. Look at that chewy rubbery bacon fat. Look at that crispity crisp bacon edge. If this doesn’t make your mouth water, then you might as well become a vegan, you heathen. Why would you not want to surround yourself with the glorious smell of bacon wafting around you 24 hours of the day? Of course you do. Living a first world life means from the second you wake up to the the second you….
My manly Ron Swanson mustache gets whipped cream in it when I drink my latte.
This isn't one of those silly mugs with a mustache print on it. This mug is for real hard mofos with real mustaches. The mustache shaped guard protects your manstache from getting soiled by whatever you're drinking. For classy soup connoisseurs, check out this mustache protecting spoon.
I only eat the marshmallows so a box of Lucky Charms is only 1 serving.
We all know the tiny marshmallows are the best part of cereal. If only there was a cereal made of ONLY the marshmallows...There is! Cereal Marshmallows is simply just a bag filled with delicious cereal marshmallow goodness with a hint of diabetes sprinkled on top. First World Living at its finest.
The cat's seen the dog's new biker outfit and now she's jealous!
Oh the things we do for out pets. Cat is asking you why dog gets a new outfit but she doesn't get anything. You try to explain to her that it's to support a cause, but she counters your argument with straight up cat facts. You cannot dispute the validity of cat law so you get her this cat mohawk and order is restored in the universe.
Every passing day brings us closer and closer to the 2012 Apocalypse as predicted by the Mayan who carved ‘December 21st, 2012′ and then quit his job because he was sick of it and wanted to be a DJ. I know what you’re all thinking; “How am I suppose to live my cushy first world life when the world is in chaos and the Starbucks across the street is on fire?” Don’t panic! We got you here at First World Living, though you may have….
I've been to all the countries my friends are talking about, but can't say anything more or I'll seem elitist.
'I've been there before' is the traveler's version of the hipster's 'I've seen them live.' You're cultured but don't want to brag about it. Just have this map on prominent display and it does the talking for you. Or use it as motivation to travel and see how people really live outside your first world life.
My 1,000 thread count Egyptian bald eagle feather down pillow is so soft my entire head sinks in and gets too hot.
Before you throw out the pillow that put America's national bird back on the endangered species list, try adding a Chillow to it. It fits any regular sized pillows and keeps your pillow cool throughout the night. You can even stick it in the fridge for added cooling intensity.
I'm being made fun of for using girls' body wash.
Ever have the nightmare where a burglar breaks in while you're in the shower, comes in the bathroom, rips open the curtain, and sees you standing there naked. But then he's one of those sexy burglars and you start making out with him? The soap gun is in case he's not sexy and need to scare him off. Also, I know what I'm sneaking up my ass if I ever go to prison.
When I charge too many gadgets at once, the wires get all tangled and look messy.
Brighten up your home or office with a little fake green grass. But hey, it also doubles as a charging station so it doesn't just take up space for nothing! Run your wires through the bottom and lay your iPhones on the soft surface for a neat and refreshing change.
So what if I like to keep all my mason jars? One day you're gonna be like, "Shit I need a mason jar, but I threw them all out. My friend Steve has tons, I'll call him." So stop calling me weird.
You've turned half your jars to portable travel mugs, now turn the other half into useful soap dispensers. Save money and put all those jars to good use. Or even use them as candles. Take that you jar haters!
My boss makes me write a reports. I can't believe I'm only getting paid 90k a year to do this crap.
Relax and take a deep breath. After work, we'll go to the doctor's and get a prescription for Xanax OK? Or we can try a more holistic approach and get one of these zen gardens for your desk. Staring at its lines and curves may lower stress and prevent a heart attack. Maybe we should have given one to Zombie Dick Cheney.
My forehead is sore from showing my friends how many cans I can crush with my head.
After showing off your machismo, show off your gadgetchismo by crushing the shit out of cans with the CAAAN RAAAAM. It acts as a nice reservoir for cans and a reminder of how much an alcoholic you are. Stores up to 10 cans before you need to activate the crushinator. Feels good man.
I took too long to finish my cereal and now it's all soggy.
This ingenious cereal bowl design separates the cereal from the milk, keeping your Fruit Loops crunchy forever. Just scoop a little cereal, then a little milk, sprinkle a little bacon and into your mouth it goes. The only thing bad about this is no after-cereal milk. The design is also great for things like salsa and chips, soup and crackers.
My hot dog is too hot so I have to wait. Now my bun is cold.
Anyone used to just eat the hot dog raw out of the pack? No? Maybe just me then. The hot dog juice was the best. Anyways, this cool retro hot dog and bun toaster will save you time and toast you the perfect hot dog. No more microwaving and getting those weird surface hot dog burns with hot as lava innards.
For the love of god why is there not bacon jerky?
The universe's greatest give to humankind is now in portable, forever lasting jerky form! Say goodbye to greezy pant pockets and stock your portable stash with bacon jerky instead. Praise the lord, all glory to allah, thank you Carl Sagan, Buddha, Flying Spaghetti Monster! I can die a happy man.
from Bacon Freak
I have a master key, password, record, why don't I have a master tool in the kitchen?
Behold, from the same country that brought you the master tool Swiss army knife and Swatch, is this master opener. Smite down any pesky objects impeding you from its inner deliciousness. This multi-tool can open: cans, flip tops, screw tops, pull tabs, and can break the vacuum seal of screw jar tops.
Movie tickets cost $15, popcorn costs $10, and I'm watching Twilight: New Dawn 3. How am I going to get through this without alcohol?
Binoculars are for the most part innocuous. Unless you're seen with them around a playground or your ex-girlfriend's house, people will just think you're an avid bird-watcher. Little do they know you have 16oz. of whiskey you need to get you through the day.
My laziness overpowers my craving for bacon.
We've all had those midnight bacon cravings but were too lazy to satiate it. Eating bacon raw just doesn't have the same gusto. Microwaving bacon at the office leaves them too oily for when you stuff them in your pocket for later. Do you also have all these problems? The lifesaving Microwave Bacon Cooker cooks 10 strips at a time and lets the fat drip down as it cooks.
My balls itch, but I'm in a 2 hour meeting.
Maybe this is one area where it's better to be in the 3rd world, where guys probably scratch their itchy balls whenever they freakin' like. Living in an uptight first world mean we must scratch our balls with this silver plated ballscratcher which I would have mistaken for a spoon if it didn't say "Ballscratcher" on the box. Scratch balls discretely, yours or another's, with this.
I spent the whole day stressing about if I've left a candle burning at home.
Instead of calling your neighbor Steve, who secretly goes through your underwear, to go check for you, just get this water candle kit. Fill any vase with water and decorate it however you like. Add a layer of cooking oil, float the wick on top and voila, you have a nice candle that will be put out if tipped over.
from ThinkGeek
I've decrusted my sandwich nicely with the decruster, but freakin' Steve keeps stealing my sandwich at work because it looks so delicious.
Stealing another person's lunch at work should be a crime punishable by death. Especially if it's a beautifully decrusted sandwich. While Obama is working on getting that law passed, stop potential lunch thefts by applying a little sandwich bag trickery.
I fell asleep in Chem class. Now my neck hurts.
Show your professor his class is boring by strapping on the Arm Pillo. Stick it to the airline and show them that they can't keep you awake with their tortuous seats by strapping on the Arm Pillo and punching the CEO in the face. Let your friend know her car conversations are boring by strapping on the Arm Pillo to the seat belt and falling asleep. Am I missing anything?
I forgot to bring my bottled water to the gym and have to drink out of the fountain like a barbarian.
Our first world bodies are delicate. Tap water with dirty little germs and microbes can make us sick (totally untrue). Save money and ditch bottled water and go with the Bobble Water Bottle. Fill it with tap water and the filter eliminates toxins and harmful chemicals as you drink. The filter lasts about 2 months and is replaceable.
The last few gulps of my coffee are always stronger and sweeter than the rest of the coffee.
We've gone and come back from the moon, built the Large Hadron Collider, gave Glenn Beck his own show, we shouldn't have to stir our own drinks like some sort of criminal. This self-stirring mug makes sure your beverage is always mixed thoroughly with a touch of a button. It comes with a 4000RMP motor and splash-proof lid!
