Remember back when you were just a wee little lad; when you had no responsibilities and the three things on your todo list for the day were: find worms, eat worms, and play with Steve from across the street?...(read more)
Look at the picture above you. Look at that beautiful glistening bacon grease. Look at that chewy rubbery bacon fat. Look at that crispity crisp bacon edge. If this doesn’t make your mouth water, then you might as well become a...(read more)
Every passing day brings us closer and closer to the 2012 Apocalypse as predicted by the Mayan who carved ‘December 21st, 2012’ and then quit his job because he was sick of it and wanted to be a DJ....(read more)
All that beer and "appetizers" have turned me into a fat slob and I need to get back in shape for my beach vacation!
Thanks to first world technology, I can now track everything from calories expended to sleep cycles.The bonus is that this watch will go really well with most of my wardrobe. Gotta still look good while working out!
Even though I can send out tweets and surf the internet with my fridge, it's still the plainest looking thing in my kitchen!
Fridge technology has advanced throughout the years, but the plain old white or gray design has continued to haunt our kitchens! Kudu Fridge Magnets are here to change that! These aren't your mother's magnets, they're giant ones that cover your entire fridge.
from Kudu Magnets
That son of a bitch fly just landed on my freshly made tiramisu cake! Now I have to throw the whole thing away...
Look at that fly zipping around like he owns the place. Taunting you at every swipe you take and now you're out of breath because eating cake everyday is unhealthy for you. It's time to go terminator on Mr. Fly and bust a salt cap in his ass with your BUG-A-SALT!
I have a dream that one day all men will be created equal...to that of Ron F***ing Swanson!
That dream is about to become one step closer to reality with the official Parks and Recreation Ron F***ing Swanson BBQ Sauce. Perfect to go with your Turf 'N' Turf or Ron Swanson Turkey Burger or just slather onto your mustache for a snack on the go.
I was eating saltines with rare Russian caviar while watching the latest torrented episode of Breaking Bad. Now there is an audible crunch whenever I press the letters "E," "R," and "L."
Research shows that our hands are dirtier than something real dirty, so who knows what's growing inside the depths of our keyboards. Logitech's Washable Keyboard is a must have for parents with teenage sons and everyone else.
My body deserves the organiest of the organic ingredients available. Who is this Morton and why should I trust him?
You grew this apple in your own backyard you say? Well this venison was salted with my own fury when I killed the deer with my bare hands. Then seasoned with my sadness as I realized what I've done. How you like them apples?
from Monster Supplies
I'm so ridiculously fabulous that my poor friends and family want to be around me all the time.
Not everyone can be as awesome as you. Less fortunate friends obviously want to be close to you to feel better about themselves and have a sense of belonging. Tell your clingy friends, "Hey I know I'm pretty amazing, but I can't have you over all the time..." with this "oh Shit Not You Again" doormat.
I was so focused on the video game I forgot to drink my beer. Now it's all warm.
Count this as your newest addition to your theoretical man-cave. This classic looking gaming cabinet hides an ace up it's coin slot by having built in beer tap. Never have to worry about dehydration from intense gaming session as the draft system is just an arms-reach away.
I have too many pairs of shoes but no more shelf space to store them.
Don't stop your financially crippling addiction of shoe shopping just because you have no more storage space. Don't be like that idiot Steve who wears the same pair of disgusting shoes every day. These foldable shoes lets you carry around different pairs easily so you can change styles throughout the day like the superstar you are.
My neck's sore from watching my 50 inch LCD in bed.
As if your 1000 thread Egyptian sheets on your king sized tempurpedic bed wasn't comfortable enough, this Massaging Bed Rest pretty much turns your bed into a comfortable lounge. Eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed while watching Toddlers and Tiaras and wondering what's wrong with the world. How ironic!
My buddies and I went hunting and they all killed something for mounting except me.
Bear and tiger head mounts are for wimps. If I'm going to have a trophy, it's going to be of a real mother effin dead person. Talk about of discussion starter! Buy it for only 100 grand and start thinking of a cool story of how you kidnapped and put him on a remote island and started hunting him like game.
from Plastination Prod.
I'm surrounded by bullshit all day from co-worker Steve to all the crap on TV.
It would be a much better world if everyone carried around this Bullshit Button and pressed it if the scent of bullshit penetrated the air. Let others know how you really feel about their stories and gossip. Or maybe send a few thousand boxes of these to Fox News HQ.
Biotechnology isn't advanced enough for me to realistically hope for a zombie outbreak.
Let's face it, everyone deep down wishes there was a zombie outbreak. Maybe just a tiny one so you can get to smash zombie co-worker Steve and be office hero. If you fantasize about this at least once a day and live in the UK, check out the Zombie Manor House. Play out your objectives in a zombie infested mansion!
My girlfriend got mad at me when I responded to her "I love you" text message with "yea lolz."
In a society where men must maintain their manly image by refraining from uttering such phrases as "I love you" or "that's cute," they only way to express their feelings is through this super cute Magic Message Egg. Water the egg and it will soon sprout a sweet message for your loved one. *Cuddles and giggles*
I've been watching reruns of Pimp My Ride and now want something inside the same larger thing.
How about a tiny house inside your house? The guys at Tumbleweed Tiny House Company sell ready made, kits, or plans of houses small enough that you don't need a permit to build. Use it as your bedroom or mancave or secret hideout in the woods where you kidnap and murder people or whatever.
Co-worker Steve hasn't given me a reason to physically assault him today.
Need a disguise? Well these could work...not really. Or you can just give it to co-worker Steve who will put it on and give you a reason to uppercut his nuts for looking like a d-bag. And you won't be reprimanded as it was passed by congress and signed by Obama that whoever wears these deserve a swift kick to the balls.
The fluorescent lights didn't set the right mood when my sexy date came back to my place.
If the 15,999,999 color ambiance lamp didn't have enough colors for you, you're in luck because we just found one with 16,000,000 colors! A color for any occasion or a spontaneous dance party while you pretend you're a light DJ using its remote control. It can even cycle through colors for a cool light show.
I ran out of blades so I had to use a rusty old one which gave me tetanus. I never got a tetanus vaccine because I don't have health insurance and can't get it treated because it'll cost too much. Now I'm going to die.
Sometimes it just doesn't feel like we live in a first world country! Fortunately, all that misfortune could have been avoided by joining the dollar shave club. Watch this video for details.
from Dollar Shave Club
My nutritionist tells me that a bloody mary is not a suitable replacement meal for dinner.
So that bakon vodka you're using for your bloody mary doesn't really have any protein and the tomato juice doesn't really count as a serving of fruit. To really make it a meal, you'll need these meat straws; as the popular life motto goes: "Get drunk, then eat the straw." Personally, I also enjoy milk and soda with these. Price is for 30.
I have to wait months for the next season of A Game of Thrones and I'm too lazy to read the books.
Who needs books when you can play a board game instead? Create your own story as surely it'll be better than George R.R. Martin's. Forge alliances or plan backstabbing betrayals as you control a house of Westeros and try to take over as much land as possible.
I let my beer sit too long and it's lost all its foamy goodness.
Wish you could always have beer that tastes like it just came straight out the tap, but don't want to pay 10 bucks for a pint? Check out this sweet mug that creates the perfectly poured beer every single time. Pour about half a mugs worth and hit the switch to create the perfect amount of foam. It's from Japan so of course there's a sweet video.
from Japan Trend Shop
Apple hasn't released a new product yet this year so I can't show how technologically savvy I am.
It's time to get your consumerism on cause the "New" iPad is coming. No longer continuing with the tradition numbering scheme, you can immediately see the differences with the "New" iPad. It's white or black with a screen and a button...but the biggest improvement is it comes with 20% less suicides!
I messed up my shaving my goatee and now I have a Hitler mustache. Worse is I think it looks pretty good on me.
The Hitler mustache may have bee inadvertent, but it doesn't help that you're goose stepping all around town at the same time. Avoid acquiring a taste for distasteful things by using this goatee shaving device. Just stick it in your mouth and have the perfect goatee in seconds.
I forgot to place my bookmark so now I have to start Atlas Shrugged from the beginning.
If someone said they'd reinvented the wheel, you'd call him crazy. If someone said they'd reinvented the bookmark, you'd burn them at the stake for witchcraft. Then you'd feel real guilty cause the Albatross Bookmark is worthy of the title. It follows your reading so you don't have to remember page numbers.
The TV remote still uses batteries so I have to go buy some like some technophobe from the 90s.
Why do disposable batteries still exist? It's bad for the environment and super expensive. But, if you're left with no choice, check out these USB rechargeable batteries. Super convenient and easy to use, just pop off the top and it becomes a USB device you can plug into your computer to recharge.
So apparently green rug and brown walls with movie posters taped up with scotch tape makes people puke as they enter my home.
You've made a huge mistake so next time just go with a prefabricated and furnished home by Ideabox and IKEA. Doesn't everyone think everything in IKEA would look good in their own home anyways? Might as well just have them furnish it.
The gravy touched the rice so I had to throw away my entire dinner.
It's heartbreaking to throw away Foie Gras, but you have no choice since your food has been defiled. This food separator is technically used for portion control, but we live in America hahaha. This handy item keeps food items separated so your gravy doesn't soak your biscuit or your salad doesn't get into your grilled bald eagle.
My friends make fun of me for carrying pepper spray on my keychain.
Look out brass knuckles cause we got a new bad boy in town and he's packin' 950,000 volts. The Knuckle Blaster Stun wears like tradition brass knuckles, but packs a little surprise with each hit. Send attackers (or previously mentioned friends) into shock as you uppercut then in the balls and prance away like a little girl.
The coffee was too hot and I burned my tongue. Now I can't eat or drink anything warm without excruciating pain.
We've all had this happen before. Sipping scalding hot lava coffee and having the fires of hell blast down on your tongue and roof of your mouth. It's surprising that a temperature checking apparatus is not built in with every mug, we're living in the first world for god's sake!
Remember back when you were just a wee little lad; when you had no responsibilities and the three things on your todo list for the day were: find worms, eat worms, and play with Steve from across the street? It’s depressing now to think about how you’ll never be as happy and carefree without using hard drugs as you were back when you were young. We now have Xboxes, PS3s, strip clubs, and Pinterest, but what about good ol’ fashion fun? The things we’d enjoy….
Playing World of Warcraft for 20 hours straight kinda makes my back hurt.
What are these things called chairs and desks? Why are we still using them? A flat piece of wood you sit on, then another piece of wood you put stuff on...how primitive. It's time get with the times with... the *explosions* Emperor Workstation! Pretend you're in the matrix while playing Words with Friends on Facebook!
Shouting obscenities at co-worker Steve for fun turned out to be inappropriate at work.
Unfortunately, they've caught onto your 'I have Tourrettes' excuse you'd always use for your pent up aggression. You now carry this shouting vase everywhere and shout your string of obscenities into it instead. The shouting vase absorbs your screams and emits a softer verion through the whole at the base.
My maid refuses the pick up the peanut shells I throw on the floor because the trash can is too far away.
Instead of getting a new maid, try using this double dish by kitchen innovator, Joseph Joseph. The top dish is removable and when sitting on top of the bottom dish, provides three openings that hides shells or pits. Or you can use both as separate bowls and just eat more peanuts.
I've got an ungodly craving for some Tagalongs, but the Girl Scouts aren't allowed to sell to my house anymore.
How were you suppose to know it was the Girl Scouts when you answered the door naked? They can't come to you, but now you can go to them with this this Girl Scout Cookie Finder app. An app that finds cookies for you... Tell me this isn't First World Living at its finest.
from iTunes App Store
I spent months and hundreds of dollars last year on my Halloween costume and didn't even place in the costume contest.
As with everything else, solve your miseries with money and use other people's ingenuity to for your own personal selfish gain! For this particular problem, just get this Rorschach Mask and wow away the competition. The inkblots actually animate and are affected by your breath.
Co-worker Steve's done something stupid again, but I've already received a warning from HR for threatening physical harm against him.
If you need a more benign way of showing disapproval, disagreement, or dissatisfaction, then surely these glasses are for you. The next time Steve tells you keeping bacon in your pockets is disgusting, pop on these glasses and tell him he's going to regret say that.
I knocked my drink over my keyboard...AGAIN! FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!
Who seriously has never knocked over a drink and ruined important documents and expensive keyboards? It's happened to my countless times and now the syrup from that coke makes my 'S' key ssssssssstick. Keep the cup off the desk and safe from spills while creating more desk space with this handy Table Cup Holder Clip.
They say fresh juice is healthier than store-bought, but I'm too lazy to do it.
Straight from the land of innovation, Gurefuru Chuchu acts as a super simple to use juicer while being super cute at the same time. Just cut a hole, stick Gurefuru Chuchu in, turn the handle around a bit, and bam - fresh juice. If you're still not convinced you need this, then I dare you to not watch this video.
My new winter coat only came with 2 pockets. What gives?
I'm sorry to break the news to you, but you've made a huge mistake. Better return that limp noddle of a jacket cause SeV Revolution Plus just kicked down your door and is strangling your mother. Key features include the iPadPocket, Handwarmer Pocket, controlling iPhones/iPad through the cloth, all within the NoBuldge design.
The ice cubes in my whiskey melted too quickly and now I have to drink watered down whiskey...bleh!
If you enjoy a little somethin' somethin' after a long day, check this out. They chill your favorite drink and bring out its flavor without watering it down. Pop in a few and after 5 minutes, enjoy your perfectly chilled whiskey. And after a few glasses, deal with family problems!
I was responding to a text and ran into a light post. Everyone laughed at me.
This is one of those simple but genius ideas that should come with every smartphone, but doesn't. Fortunately, there's an app for that called Type n Walk. Avoided running into acquaintances you don't want to talk to, stepping on dog doo doo, babies, puddles, and more with this handy app. And it's less than a dollar!
I cut my finger on the hard, sharp base trying to get out the last drop of toothpaste.
The rich don't stay rich by wasting. This includes toothpaste and other things that come in tubes, like bacon frosting. Squeezeit is a simple little thing that keeps your tubes nice and neat while squeezing out every last drop. We suppose you'll get your money's worth after only 4 or so years!
My shower temperature dials are so sensitive, it takes 5 minutes to get it just right.
Studies have shown that it takes a rocket scientist to calibrate dial temperatures correctly on the first try. That's why the government invested billions into the Temji. Invented by the same guy who invented the space shuttle (I think), Temji attaches onto your tap handles so you can dial in on the perfect temp every time.
I didn't get any compliments on my new watch.
Everybody has Rolexes these days, but who has a watch from mother effin Tron? This watch, technically called the Kisai 7 LED Watch, has two pulsating LED rings; one for the hour and the other for minutes. It reads like a conventional watch so you don't look stupid when someone asks you for the time and comes in blue or white colored LEDs.
I left the syrup on the pancakes for too long and now they're all soggy.
There are very few things in the world more disgusting than soggy pancakes. The stuff they eat on Fear Factor, for one. The pancake plate solves this first world problem. It's elevated on one side so the syrup drips into a reservoir keeping your pancake nice and dry. May we suggest Bacon Syrup to go with that?
There's no more clean cups so I have to drink water with my hands like some Victorian beggar.
Get rid of that nasty cup you use to rinse out your mouth after brushing. It sits in the bathroom all day collecting microscopic doo doo particles. But, have a little more respect for yourself and don't take water from your hand like some uneducated monster. Tapi fits onto any tap. Squeeze the bottom and it becomes a fountain.
My boarding gate was too far and I almost missed my flight to the Bahamas.
People are already boarding and you're still buying your duty free cartons of cigarettes. But, you're not worried at all because you have the Samsonite Micro Luggage with attached scooter. You stuff your crap into the carry-on-able luggage and scoot on down to the gate, not forgetting to hit the "human conveyor belt" for super-speed.
My first world life is nice and comfortable, but sometimes I wish it were more exciting. Maybe I'll get a dog!
How many hours have you spent planning the perfect scenario in case of a zombie outbreak? You've read The Zombie Survival Guide and World War Z so it's time for the real thing. The 5k Zombie Run is probably the closest you're going to get. Get off your sofa run for your life!
from Run For Your Lives
My mom blames the electricity bill increase on my second iPad and PS Vita.
Did you know that leaving electronic devices plugged in, but not in use, still draws power? Belkin's Conserve Socket solves this problem by allowing you to set a timer that automatically shuts off the power to save energy. It's also great for things like curling irons and heaters so you'll never have to worry about leaving them on.
Whilst intoxicated, I wandered into a dark corridor and was met with a man whose motives were questionable. Needless to say I feared for my life.
If I had a dollar for every time a would-be robber asked for my belt and I could have quickly pulled out a knife, I'd have zero dollars. But, this belt buckle knife still is an awesome idea to fend off potential attackers. Nothing is scarier than a man with a belt buckle knife and pants on the floor.
from Bowen Knife